Witch Is When Everything Went Crazy Page 11

  Before we set off for the shops, the twins decided that it would be a good idea for me to see the outfits that each of them had bought for the hen night. They said it would give me an idea of what ‘spectacular’ looked like. Neither girl had seen the other’s outfit yet.

  I stood in the corridor, outside the twins’ bedrooms.

  “Ready?” Amber called.

  “Ready!” Pearl replied.

  I took a deep breath. I had a horrible feeling that I wasn’t going to like ‘spectacular’, but I couldn’t let my feelings show. Whatever the girls were wearing, I’d say I loved it. I just wished I was a better liar.

  “Three, two—” Amber began the countdown. “One!”

  The two bedroom doors flew open, and out stepped ‘spectacular’.

  Amber was closest to me, and she saw the look on my face.

  “What? Don’t you like it?”

  “You did it on purpose!” Pearl screamed.

  Amber spun around to face her sister.

  “I bought mine first! You can take yours back!”

  If I’d laughed, they’d have probably killed me. The blue mini dress that Amber was wearing was indeed spectacular. So was the identical one worn by Pearl.

  “How was I supposed to know you’d bought that?” Pearl screamed. “You should have told me.”

  “I asked if you wanted to see my outfit, but you said ‘no’. You said I had no taste!”

  “Maybe you could both wear the same?” I said.

  The twins turned their gazes on me.

  “Or not. Daft idea. Scrub that.”

  “So what are we going to do?” Pearl said.

  “I’m not taking mine back.”

  “Neither am I.”

  And so it was decided. All three of us would look for a new outfit.

  The duplicate dress incident actually worked in my favour because the twins would now be focused on their own purchases instead of mine. It was remarkable how similar their tastes were. Every time one of them spotted a dress they liked, the other one homed in on it too.

  “I saw it first!”

  “In your dreams!”

  “Girls, girls.” I stepped in. “You’ll tear it.”

  “I saw it first, Jill,” Amber said.

  “She’s a liar. I’d already picked it up.”

  This was worse than a shopping expedition with Kathy’s kids. At least they didn’t fight over the same toys.

  “Enough!” I said, in my school headmistress voice. “This can’t go on.”

  “It’s her fault!”

  “It’s yours.”

  “Shush, both of you. If you don’t stop this, I am not going on the hen night.”

  “But—”

  “Shush.”

  “It’s—”

  “Shush!”

  I waited until I had silence and their full attention. “Okay, this is how it’s going to work.” I took out a coin. “Amber, call. Heads or tails?”

  They shared the same puzzled expression.

  “Heads or tails?”

  She called heads. I tossed the coin.

  “It’s tails. Pearl you get to choose. Right or left?”

  “I don’t understand—”

  “Pick one. Right or left.”

  She shrugged. “Right.”

  “Okay. You have to stay on the right-hand side of the high street. Amber you have to stick to the left.”

  “But Michy’s is on the left,” Pearl said.

  “Firstme is on the right.” Amber complained.

  “It’s swings and roundabouts. There are enough shops here for both of you to find something. Agreed?”

  The twins pouted, then shrugged, but finally agreed.

  “What about you?” Pearl said. “Which one of us are you going with?”

  “Neither of you. I’ll choose something for myself.”

  They both laughed.

  “I promise to choose something ‘spectacular’. You can both meet me back here in two hours. I promise I won’t actually buy anything until you’ve approved it. How’s that?”

  They reluctantly agreed and hurried off.

  Now, all I had to do was find something spectacular.

  The moment I spotted it, I knew I’d found the one. But was I brave enough to try it on, let alone go out in it? I expected the young witch on the fitting room to give me a ‘really?’ look, but she just handed me a tag.

  Kathy had always insisted that I had nicer legs than her, and that I should show them off, but I rarely wore anything above the knee. The red dress was at least an inch shorter than I’d normally wear, but that wasn’t the truly spectacular part. Cleavage! Who knew?

  “You first Pearl!” Amber insisted when the three of us met up later.

  Pearl took out a green dress which made the one I’d tried on look like a maxi.

  Amber nodded her approval.

  “It’s lovely,” I agreed.

  Amber had chosen a yellow dress which flared out below the waist. A little longer than Pearl’s, but with a lower neckline.

  Pearl loved it. So did I.

  “Now it’s your turn.” Pearl turned to me.

  “Have you found something?” Amber said.

  “I have. Follow me.”

  It felt like prom— not that I’d ever been to prom. The twins were waiting for me outside the fitting rooms. I took one last look in the mirror. I didn’t care what they thought, I loved it anyway.

  My legs felt like jelly as I walked out. They looked me up and down, glanced at one another, and then said in unison, “Spectacular!”

  By nine o’clock the three of us were ready to party, and although I say it myself, we looked hot!

  “Party time!” Amber said.

  “I feel like dancing.” Pearl did a sexy shimmy.

  “Me too.” The voice came from behind us.

  “Grandma?” All three of us said.

  Grandma was resplendent in black satin. I’d never seen her wear make-up before, but tonight she’d plastered it on.

  “Where are we going first?” She began to shuffle her feet in what was either a dance or the prelude to a seizure.

  All colour had drained from Amber and Pearl’s faces. “Grandma?”

  “Why do you keep saying that?” Grandma began to shake her booty. Something no one should have to witness.

  “Are you planning on coming with us?” There was desperation in Pearl’s voice.

  “Of course I am. Didn’t think I’d miss a hen night did you?”

  “Mum’s staying at home,” Amber said.

  “Pah. Old before her time that daughter of mine.”

  “It’s going to be noisy,” Pearl said.

  “And hot,” Amber added.

  “I can’t wait.” Grandma made for the door. “Come on, what are you waiting for?”

  The three of us shared the look of the condemned.

  “We have to lose her,” Amber said.

  For once, the three of us could agree on something.

  First stop was DingDing, a small club that catered mainly for witches and wizards. Although there was no actual policy barring other sups, ninety nine per cent of those inside were witches or wizards. And tonight at least, the ratio was two wizards for every witch.

  “How are we meant to pull with her here?” Pearl said when Grandma took a toilet break.

  “No one is going to dance with us while she’s here.” Amber sighed.

  “What was that dance she was doing?” We all laughed while keeping an eye open in case she returned.

  “You two shouldn’t be trying to pull anyway,” I said. “What about Alan and William?”

  “We’ll only be flirting. You have to flirt on a hen night—it’s the law.”

  “I hope Grandma doesn’t start flirting.” I spotted her walking back towards us. “Shhh! She’s here.”

  “This place is lame,” Grandma declared. “Let’s go somewhere else.”

  I was already shattered, and ready for bed. “Why don’t
we find somewhere quiet where we can sit down for a while?”

  The twins gave me a look, but it was nothing compared to the one that Grandma shot my way. “Sit down? What’s wrong with you? This is meant to be a hen night. You don’t ‘sit down’ on a hen night; you get out on the floor and shake your booty.” She gave me a quick demonstration. “All that time you’ve spent with humans has made you soft. Come on, let’s find some real action.”

  “What are we going to do?” Amber said, in a whisper as the three of us trailed behind Grandma who was shaking her booty all over the street.

  “We have to lose her,” Pearl said. “This is a disaster.”

  “If we do, she’ll kill us.” I kept my eyes on Grandma just in case she turned around.

  “Whatever she does to us, it can’t be any worse than this,” Amber said. “We’ll never be able to show our faces again after tonight.”

  It was now or never. “Quick!” I grabbed the twins and pulled them into the doorway to our right.

  “What are you doing?” Pearl said.

  “Just follow me.”

  The maître d’ smiled. “Table for three?”

  “Yes please. Can we sit over there?” I pointed to the far side of the restaurant.

  “I’m not hungry,” Amber said, as he led us to our table.

  “Just go with it.” I picked up a menu and pretended to study it.

  “Jill? What are we—?”

  “Follow me.” I led the way into the kitchen.

  “Where’s the back exit?” I asked a surprised sous chef. He nodded to his left.

  “Run!”

  The three of us legged it through the kitchen, out of the door and into an alleyway. Back on the street, I hailed a cab and told him to take us to the other side of Candlefield.

  “Anywhere in particular?”

  “As far away from here as possible.”

  Chapter 16

  “We’re so dead!” Amber laughed. The cocktail in her hand was a colour I’d never seen in nature.

  “She might use magic to track us down.” Pearl hadn’t taken her gaze from the door since we’d walked into Red, a club that catered for all sups. It was much larger than DingDing, and every bit as noisy.

  “Hopefully, she’s too drunk to notice.” I must have been crazy. I was already in Grandma’s bad books because of our run-in over Mrs V. If she knew I’d been the one to instigate the escape plan, I was in serious trouble. “We’d better enjoy tonight, for tomorrow we die. Whose round is it?”

  As the night wore on, we began to relax. Maybe Grandma had pulled or was flat out somewhere. We laughed and drank. We danced and drank. We flirted—even I got my fair share of attention. ‘Spectacular’ had worked—who knew?

  The next morning came around much too soon.

  “I want to die.” Amber was holding her head in her hands.

  “I think I already did.” Pearl was resting her head on the table.

  None of us could face breakfast. It was almost midday, and the three of us had only just made it out of bed.

  “What was in that cocktail anyway?” I downed two headache tablets.

  “Which one?”

  “The orange one.”

  “I don’t know. Nice though weren’t they?”

  “Nice, but deadly.”

  “You seemed to be getting rather hot and bothered with that wizard,” Amber said to her sister.

  “He asked for my number.”

  “Did you give it to him?”

  “I gave him ‘a’ number. I made one up.”

  “Who’s looking after the shop?” I said.

  They both shrugged.

  “Don’t you think you should check? It might not even be open.”

  “Amber, you check.” Pearl picked up the box of aspirin.

  “Why me? You do it.”

  I couldn’t handle the squabbling. “I’ll take a look.”

  Every step I took reverberated inside my head. Never again. I was way too old for this kind of thing. Still, if I was feeling bad, how must Grandma be feeling? Maybe she’d been so drunk she’d have forgotten that we ditched her.

  “Good morning, Jill.”

  Either I was still asleep, and this was an alcohol induced nightmare or Grandma was behind the counter.

  “Grandma?”

  “You look like death warmed up, young lady.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “I figured the twins would be in no fit state to open the shop this morning, so someone had to give these poor girls a hand.” She nodded to the two assistants behind the counter who looked duly intimidated. “Jill, why don’t you go and get the twins. I’ll make us all a nice cup of coffee.”

  We were so dead!

  “Amber, Pearl!”

  “Don’t shout!” Pearl rubbed her temple.

  “Grandma’s here.”

  Suddenly they were awake.

  “Here?”

  I nodded.

  “In the shop?”

  I nodded again.

  “What’s she doing?”

  “She’s behind the counter.”

  “How does she look?”

  “Better than us, that’s for sure.”

  “What did she say? Did she ask where we disappeared to last night?”

  “No. She said she was going to make us coffee, and that I should come and get you.”

  “We’re dead,” Amber said.

  “So dead. It was all your idea.” Pearl pointed at me.

  “Hey, don’t blame me. You both said you wanted to ditch her.”

  “We’re so dead.”

  “Take a seat, girls. I’ll bring your coffee over.” Grandma smiled. That was even more unnerving.

  “What’s she up to?” Amber whispered.

  “Maybe she got so drunk, she’s forgotten.” Pearl was clutching at straws, and we all knew it.

  “There you go!” Grandma arrived with a tray. “You don’t mind if I join you do you?”

  We all shook our heads.

  “It was a great night wasn’t it?” Grandma sipped her coffee.

  We nodded.

  “I had a great time. I must have lost you three somewhere though.”

  We nodded again.

  “Drink your coffee. That will wake you up.”

  Half an hour later, Grandma had left. The three of us exchanged a look. “What’s she up to?” I said.

  “Maybe she’s forgotten.”

  “Maybe she got lucky and pulled, so didn’t care we weren’t there.”

  “Yeah, that must be it,” I said.

  “Let me in!” I screamed at the toilet door.

  “I haven’t finished!” Pearl screamed back.

  “I have to go too.” Amber was standing beside me now.

  “She did this,” I said, my buttocks clenched.

  “She must have put something in the coffee!”

  “Open the door!”

  “Open the door, Pearl or I will kill you.”

  The next three hours were not pretty. One toilet between the three of us—you do the maths.

  We were in my bedroom. We had nothing left—literally—it had all been flushed away.

  “We should kill her,” Amber said.

  “Painfully.” Pearl squirmed around on the bed, trying to get comfortable.

  “How did she survive last night? She’s like a million years old, and yet she looks better than we do.”

  “I’m never going to drink again.” Amber hugged a pillow to her chest.

  “Or eat.” Pearl rubbed her stomach.

  “Still,” I said. “We did look spectacular.”

  “Thank you, Jill. Thank you for taking me to the dog show. Is it time to go now? Can we go?” Barry was beside himself with excitement.

  “In a minute.” I gently pushed him off me. My stomach and head were still very tender.

  “Are you sure you’re up to this?” Aunt Lucy asked. She and Lester had looked after Barry while the twins and I were on the hen night. Aunt Lucy
hadn’t mentioned the incident with Grandma, and I thought it best to say nothing.

  “Yeah. I promised I’d take him. It might be fun.”

  Colonel Briggs had given me a ticket to the dog show, which his charity held every year. I’d asked if I could bring Barry along, and he’d said I should enter him into the ‘mutts’ category which was just a bit of fun.

  “Have you prepared your speech for the wedding?” Aunt Lucy said, as she helped to push Barry into the back seat of my car.

  “I’m still working on it.”

  “Good luck at the show.”

  “Thanks.”

  I hadn’t travelled more than a few miles before Barry had squeezed between the seats, and planted himself in the passenger seat beside me. “I can see better here.”

  “Stay on your side. Don’t get in my way while I’m driving.”

  “I won’t. What’s that?”

  “It’s a post box.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s a bus.”

  “What’s that?”

  This was going to be a long journey.

  When the colonel had first mentioned the dog show, I’d pictured a low-key event—perhaps in a church hall. I couldn’t have been any more wrong. The show took up two large halls at Washbridge’s main exhibition centre. I needed all of my strength to hold onto Barry when he heard the sound of a million dogs barking inside.

  “This must be Barry.” Colonel Briggs had arranged to meet me at the booking-in desk.

  Before I could stop him, Barry had launched himself at the colonel.

  “Hello, boy. You’re a stunner aren’t you? Did you enter him for the ‘mutt’ competition?”

  I nodded, but was already having second thoughts.

  “Why don’t you two take a look around? I have a few things to do, but I’ll catch up with you later. Here, you’ll need this.” He handed me a copy of the official programme.

  It was difficult to read while holding on to Barry’s lead, but I managed to find out where and when the ‘mutt’ competition would be held. On the inside cover of the programme was a full page tribute to Edna Vicars.