Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

  “Do you live in the village, Jill?”

  “Yes, with my husband and daughter, in the old watermill.”

  “Ah, right. Turtle’s old place.”

  “What about you, Mr Wilberforce, do you live in the village?”

  “No, I live in Lower Tweaking, but I’ve always looked after the gardens here. It’s not a paid position. Purely voluntary.”

  “I see. I must say you’re doing a marvellous job.”

  “It’s very kind of you to say so, Jill. If you’d like to wait here, I’ll go and see if the vicar is around.” He disappeared into the house and returned a few minutes later with the vicar at his side. “I’ll leave you to it. I must get back to my gardening.”

  The vicar studied me for a moment. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?”

  “Yes, you gave me a flyer for Freaking Tweaking.”

  “Of course. Now I remember. And didn’t I see you in the village store too? You were buying cheese for the barber, I seem to recall.”

  “Err, yeah. That was me. My name is Jill Maxwell. I live in the old watermill.”

  “Was it your husband who came to my rescue the other day when I was trying to catch Donovan?”

  “The Labrador? Yes, that was Jack.”

  “That was very kind of him. What can I do for you, Jill?”

  “I was hoping we might have a chat.”

  “Actually, you’ve caught me in the middle of preparing my sermon, but I can spare you a few minutes. Can I get you a drink?”

  “Not for me, thanks.”

  “Let’s go through to the study. We can talk there.” The study was enormous and smelled of vinegar. “So, Jill, how exactly can I help you?”

  “I’m afraid it’s a rather delicate matter, Vicar.”

  “Please don’t be embarrassed. I’m sure it’s nothing I won’t have heard before.”

  “I’m actually a private investigator. I’m—err—sort of assisting the police with their enquiries into Miss Drinkwater’s murder.”

  “A terrible business. Marcy was a pillar of the community.”

  “Indeed. I was told by the two young ladies who worked at the tea room that you and Miss Drinkwater were arguing on the day she was murdered.”

  “I’m afraid they’re right, and I feel awful about it. We’d been good friends for such a long time. For our relationship to finish on such a sour note saddens me deeply.”

  “Would you be prepared to tell me why you were arguing?”

  “It all seems so silly now.” He sighed. “It’s the annual church fete in a couple of weeks’ time. Marcy has always provided the refreshments, and she has always done so at cost. I’d gone over there to discuss this year’s arrangements, and out of the blue, she said she’d have to double her charges. I told her I thought she was being unreasonable, and she said if I could do better, I should go elsewhere. I was flabbergasted because she’d always been such a steadfast supporter of the church.”

  “Do you have any idea what caused her change of heart?”

  “None, but I did get the feeling that something or someone had really upset her.”

  “How did you leave things?”

  “I could see there was no point in pursuing the matter because she was in no mood for compromise, so I walked out. I had planned to go back another day after she’d had time to calm down. But, well, I guess it’s too late for that now.”

  ***

  As I approached the office building, I noticed a young boy scout, standing near to the door. When I walked past him, he held out a bag.

  “Would you like to buy some cookies, Mrs?” He had a tray full of the small bags. “We’re raising money for a new scout hut.”

  “How much are they?”

  “Seventy-five pence for a bag of two.”

  “Sure, if I have enough change.” I felt in my pocket and took out all the coins I had. “You’re in luck. I’ve got eighty-pence. You can keep the change.”

  “Thanks very much.” He passed me the cookies.

  “Good morning, Mrs V.”

  “Morning, Jill.”

  “Would you like a cookie?”

  She hesitated. “Did you make them?”

  “No, I bought them from a boy scout outside.”

  “In that case, I don’t mind if I do. Thanks.”

  “Can I have a cookie?” Winky said when I went through to my office.

  “No. I only have one left.”

  “Give me half, then. Please.”

  “Oh, okay.” I broke the remaining cookie in two and handed half to him.

  “Mmm, that was delicious.”

  “Did you seriously eat that all in one go?”

  “It was only a small piece. Anyway, never mind about the cookie. Where is it?”

  “Where’s what?”

  “The photo of you in the pirate costume of course. I’ve been dying to see it.”

  “Yeah, there’s a bit of a problem there.”

  “What kind of problem?”

  “I had a bit of an accident.” I took what was left of the pirate costume from the carrier bag.

  “What did you do to it?”

  “I was trying it on when Jack startled me. It ripped when I changed back from being a cat.”

  “Well, that’s just great. Why didn’t you use that spell of yours? The back it up spell?”

  “It’s called the ‘take it back’ spell.”

  “So, why didn’t you use it?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t think about it at the time and it’s too late now. I’m really sorry. I guess you’ll have to drop out of the couples’ competition.”

  “No chance.” He took out his phone. “Sid? It’s Winky. Yeah, not bad, thanks. I need an urgent favour. I don’t care if you’re busy; you owe me one after the pompom incident. That’s what I thought. I’ll be over in a few minutes.” He turned back to me. “Give me that costume.”

  “Who was that you were speaking to?”

  “Sid the Stitch. He’ll have this sorted in no time.”

  “But look at it. It’s ruined.”

  “Sid is a magician with a sewing machine. You’ll see.”

  “What was the pompom incident?”

  “I could tell you, but then I’d be forced to kill you.” And with that, he disappeared out of the window.

  Not long afterwards, two pigeons landed on the window ledge. I assumed it was Bobby and Bertie, but when I looked closer, I realised these pigeons were much smaller.

  “Hi there,” I said.

  “Oh? Hi.” They were clearly surprised that I’d spoken to them.

  “Are you two new to the area?”

  “We’re not new to Washbridge, but we haven’t been to this particular building before. We’re actually looking for someone.”

  “Oh?”

  “We met a couple of handsome guys the other day in the park, near the fountain. In fact, we went on a double date with them. We had a great time and my friend here took down their phone numbers, but then the silly moo lost her phone.”

  “I didn’t lose it,” her friend protested. “I dropped it when we were flying, and it broke.”

  “Now we have no way of contacting them, so we’ve been visiting all the buildings in Washbridge, in the hope that we might bump into them. But to be honest, we’ve more or less given up now.”

  “Are you Bianca and Briana by any chance?”

  “Yes, how did you know?”

  “I assume you’re looking for Bobby and Bertie.”

  “That’s right. Do you know them?”

  “Yes, they live on this ledge, but I don’t know where they are at the moment.”

  “Really? That’s fantastic.”

  “Why don’t you wait here for them? I don’t imagine they’ll be very long.”

  “We can’t. I promised to visit my mother. If we leave our phone numbers with you, would you pass them on?”

  “Of course. I’m sure the boys will be delighted.”

  ***

  My
phone rang.

  “Jill, it’s Ursula.”

  Although it wasn’t particularly unusual for me to receive a phone call from someone in Candlefield, there was something a little bit weird about being called by a unicorn.

  “Hi, Ursula.”

  “Is there any chance you could pop over to the palace now? There’s something rather important that I’d like to discuss with you.”

  “Sure, I’ll be straight over.”

  I magicked myself to the gates of the palace. I’d no sooner arrived than they opened, and Ronald was waiting inside to greet me.

  “Hello again,” he said. “The queen is expecting you. Please follow me.”

  Ursula was on her throne, next to which stood her brother, Devon. There was something different about him, and it took me a couple of minutes to work out what it was: His sparkly green horn was on display today. The last time I’d seen him, he’d been masquerading as a horse and had used a magic potion to hide it.

  “Is there anything I can get you, your majesty?” Ronald asked.

  “Jill, would you like a drink?” Ursula said.

  “Not for me, thanks.”

  “We’re okay, thanks, Ronald.” Ursula waved him away.

  “Wait! Get me some iced tea,” Devon demanded. “And not that horrible stuff you made last time.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “And make it quick. I’m parched.”

  “Very well, sir.” Ronald managed an insincere smile. He clearly wasn’t a fan of Devon, and I couldn’t say I blamed him.

  “Thanks for coming over, Jill,” Ursula said.

  “No problem. You said you had something important to tell me?”

  “Devon has made an exciting breakthrough in his investigation.”

  “Really?” I found that hard to believe.

  “Why don’t you tell Jill, Devon?”

  “Certainly.” He picked up the bag next to him, walked over to the table, and emptied out the contents: at least a dozen unicorn horns.

  “Where did you find those?”

  “I told you it was just a matter of having patience. My suspicions proved to be correct. These turned up in an antiques and collectibles shop, close to the market square in Candlefield.”

  “Devon received an anonymous tip-off,” Ursula said.

  “How very fortuitous.” Not to mention, highly unlikely.

  “I did. From someone who had heard about my investigation.” Devon looked remarkably pleased with himself. I was beginning to really dislike the smug git.

  “Did you find out who had supplied the horns to the shop?”

  “I’m afraid not. The owner bought them as part of a job lot, along with a load of other stuff, all for a knockdown price.”

  “But he must know who he bought them from.”

  “He did have a name and address, but it turned out to be false. Still, it proves we’re on the right track, don’t you think?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Of course it does.” Devon was clearly frustrated by my lack of enthusiasm. “Surely it’s obvious. The fact that these were found in a collectibles shop means there’s every chance they’ll be in others too. I’m confident that we’ll be able to track down the supplier, given enough time.”

  “I guess it’s possible.”

  “I’ve told Ursula that there’s very little point in you pursuing a separate investigation because it’s only a matter of time until I have this all tied up.”

  I turned to the queen. “Ursula, what do you think?”

  “I—err—I suppose Devon is right, Jill. I just feel bad that we have wasted your time.”

  “Are you sure you wouldn’t like me to continue with my investigation? It’s not like it can do any harm.”

  “It’s not necessary,” Devon snapped. “It would be a total waste of time and money.”

  “Devon is right,” Ursula said. “You’ll be paid for the time you’ve already spent on the case, obviously. If you send me your bill, I’ll make sure it’s paid straight away.”

  They had clearly made up their minds, so I said my goodbyes and made my way out of the palace. At the gates, I bumped into Ronald who was enjoying a drink of tea.

  “I hope that’s not the horrible stuff, Ronald.” I grinned. “How do you put up with Devon?”

  “It isn’t easy.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s a good job I like her majesty, otherwise I’d have handed in my notice long ago.”

  “Devon seems to have a lot of sway with his sister.”

  “Too much. I don’t know why she listens to him, particularly with his track record.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I really shouldn’t say.”

  “Come on, Ronald. You owe me one for that trick you played on me with the horn hat.”

  “Fair enough, but you didn’t hear this from me. Okay?”

  “I give you my word.”

  “Our friend Devon almost bankrupted the monarchy a few years ago with one of his ridiculous business schemes.”

  “What happened?”

  “I’m not supposed to know the details because it was hushed up.”

  “Something tells me you know anyway.”

  He glanced around to make sure no one was within earshot. “He was selling love potions.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “I’m afraid so. By all accounts, he was charging a small fortune for them until it all came crashing down, and his sister had to bail him out.”

  “What went wrong?”

  “I don’t know. Like I said, it was all hushed up.”

  “I’m surprised Ursula puts up with it. She’s seems a smart lady.”

  “She is, but she has a blind spot when it comes to her brother.”

  “I really am grateful to you for sharing that.”

  “No problem. Will we see you back here soon?”

  “Probably not. Devon has apparently solved the case all by himself.”

  “Hmm. I very much doubt that, but it’s been nice to have made your acquaintance, Jill.”

  “Likewise.”

  There was something about all of this that simply didn’t ring true. The horns were rare and extremely valuable, so why would someone go to the bother of stealing them, only to sell them as part of a job lot, at a knockdown price? And as for the anonymous tip, I didn’t buy that at all. I didn’t trust Devon as far as I could throw him, and although I’d said I would drop the case, I felt I owed it to the queen to discover the truth. To do that, I would need to find out what Devon was really up to, but I didn’t have time to tail him. I did, however, know someone who might be able to help, so I made a call to my old friend, Edna the surveillance fairy. It was some time since I’d used her services, and I wasn’t sure if she was still in business, but I’d no sooner made the call, than she appeared on my shoulder.

  “I wish you wouldn’t do that, Edna. You made me jump.”

  “Do you have a job for me or not?”

  “Yes, but I’d need you to start straight away.”

  “You’re in luck. I’m between jobs. What do you need?”

  I told her all about the unicorns and the stolen horns.

  “You want me to follow the unicorn queen’s brother?”

  “That’s right. His name is Devon. I want to know where he goes and who he sees.”

  “Am I looking for anything in particular?”

  “No. Just keep tabs on him.”

  “Okay, I should warn you that my rates have gone up since the last time I worked for you.”

  “By how much?”

  “Ten percent.”

  “Fairy enough.” I laughed.

  “Was that supposed to be funny?”

  “I thought so. Do you still require payment in custard creams?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay, it’s a deal. Follow Devon and report back to me in a couple of days.”

  ***

  I had intended to get to Kathy’s shop thirty minutes before the man from the lookalike agency
was due to arrive, but what with one thing and another, I made it there with only five minutes to spare.

  “I didn’t think you were coming,” Kathy said.

  “I’m sorry. It’s been a heck of a day. Where can I hide?”

  “In the changing room, behind that curtain. The shop isn’t open yet, so there won’t be any customers. You’ll be fine in there.”

  “Okay.”

  I’d only been in there for a couple of minutes when I heard a knock at the door.

  “Coming!” Kathy shouted.

  “I’m Boris Charming.” The man had an incredibly deep voice. “Thank you for seeing me.”

  “That’s okay, but I don’t have a lot of time to spare because I’m preparing for the big opening on Friday.”

  “I understand. I’m hoping that I might be able to convince you to change your mind about the lookalike you’ve booked.”

  “As I explained on the phone yesterday, I did a lot of research before I made my booking with Double Take. Their lookalikes receive rave reviews. When I was looking at companies to approach, I didn’t even see your name listed.”

  “That’s because we don’t advertise. The majority of our business comes through word of mouth, which I’m sure you’ll agree is the best form of advertising. I believe you said that you’ve booked a Lucinda Lazenby lookalike for Friday?”

  “That’s right.”

  “I have an excellent Lucinda Lazenby lookalike on my books. I could provide her for half the price that Double Take are charging you.”

  “But I haven’t even told you what they are charging me.” Kathy was playing the part like a pro. All those years at the amdram hadn’t been for nought.

  “It doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, I’ll halve it.”

  “How do I know that your lookalikes are any good?”

  “They’re all top notch. You can’t tell them from the real thing. Was Lucinda Lazenby your first choice?”

  “No, I actually wanted Leroy Dulce, but he was already booked up for several weeks.”

  “I could do you a Leroy Dulce, and I’ll still do him for half the price of the Lazenby lookalike.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Yes. How about it? Can I make the booking for you?”

  “At Double Take, I was able to see photos of all their lookalikes online. Do you have a website?”