Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

  Witch Is Where

  Squirrels Go Nuts

  Published by Implode Publishing Ltd

  © Implode Publishing Ltd 2021

  The right of Adele Abbott to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved, worldwide. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the copyright owner.

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 1

  “You look awful,” Jack said when I came downstairs for breakfast.

  “I didn’t sleep very well. I had a horrible nightmare.”

  “I’m going to have a fry-up. Do you want one?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He took the bacon, sausages and eggs out of the fridge. “What was this nightmare of yours?”

  “Mr Cheese was chasing me, and I couldn’t get away from him because my legs had turned to jelly. Literally. They were wobbling around all over the place.”

  “Mr Cheese? That’s probably down to all the cheese you’ve been eating recently.”

  “It wasn’t because of that. When I was working on the NOCA case, I had to go to Chuckle House a couple of times. They have framed photographs on the wall of famous clowns over the years. I made the mistake of looking at them, and that’s when I saw Mr Cheese.”

  “Why did he pick such a stupid name?”

  “Because of his nose.”

  “Sorry, you’ve completely lost me now.”

  “Instead of having the usual red nose like most clowns, he had a lump of cheese in the middle of his face.”

  “That’s just wrong.”

  “Tell me about it. I’ve not been able to get that image out of my mind.”

  Florence came running down the stairs. “Mummy, can I learn some new spells this week, please?”

  “I’m not sure if we should allow that.”

  “But you said I only had to miss one week.”

  “I said you had to miss at least one week, but that it might be more if you hadn’t learned your lesson.”

  “I have learned my lesson.”

  “What do you think, Daddy?” I said.

  “Please!” Florence said. “It was an accident. I was just trying to get the scissors from Wendy’s desk. I didn’t mean for all that other stuff to fly across the room too.”

  “That’s not the point though, is it, Florence?” I said. “You shouldn’t have been using magic at all. If you wanted the scissors, what should you have done?”

  “Walked to Wendy’s desk and asked if I could borrow them.”

  “That’s right. It was lucky that the headmistress thought it was an electrical surge.”

  “I won’t do it again, Mummy, I promise.”

  “You’d better not.”

  “What spell can I learn this week?”

  “I thought I’d teach you the ‘faster’ spell.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It will let you run really fast.”

  “Cool! I’ll be able to win all the races at school.”

  “Florence! What have we just been talking about?”

  “I was joking. When can I learn it?”

  “We’ll need plenty of space, so I thought we could go down to Tweaking Meadows. But we can only do it if there’s no one else around.”

  “What day?”

  “Let’s see what the weather’s like. Probably Thursday.”

  “Yay!” Florence did that cute little dance of hers. The one she always did when she was happy. “I’m going outside to play with Buddy.”

  As I took a seat at the kitchen table, I noticed that Jack had left his laptop open, so I had a quick nosey.

  “Wash Golf Club? Are you serious about taking it up?”

  “I’m not sure. Tommy Gray mentioned that he’s a member.”

  “You should join.”

  “Can we afford it?”

  “How much are the fees?”

  “A lot.”

  I clicked on the link marked fees. “You aren’t kidding. Do people really pay that much to hit a ball around a field?”

  “I should have taken that bellboy job at your grandmother’s hotel.” He grinned.

  “You should definitely join. It’ll do you good to get regular exercise. We’ll find the money somehow.”

  “I’ll give it some thought.”

  My phone rang; it was Kathy.

  “Jill, make a note to keep your diary free for a week on Friday.”

  “Why? What’s happening?”

  “My new shop opens. Nine o’clock sharp.”

  “I can’t keep pace with you. Don’t you have enough shops yet? Where’s this one?”

  “I have told you several times.”

  “Sorry, my mind is all over the place at the moment.”

  “It’s in Washbridge, but on the south side.”

  “I still don’t understand why you need two in the same town.”

  “Washbridge is a big place. My research showed that a second shop would be profitable.”

  “What are you doing for the opening?”

  “Just bubbly and nibbles. Will you be able to make it?”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “By the way, how’s your search for another PI going?”

  “I’ve identified a promising candidate. I’m going to interview him next Monday.”

  ***

  I was about to get into the car when I heard raised voices coming from somewhere just up the road. If I’d had any sense, I would have ignored them and gone to work. Instead, curiosity got the better of me, and I took a walk into the village to find out what was going on. As soon as I turned the corner, I saw the source of the commotion: Just outside Tweaking Tea Rooms, Miss Drinkwater and Grandma were having a blazing row. Even from that distance, I could see that the wart on Grandma’s nose was glowing red, which was never a good sign. A small crowd of onlookers were rubbernecking while maintaining a safe distance.

  “Grandma! Miss Drinkwater!” I shouted, as I hurried towards them, but neither of them heard me because they were too busy flinging abuse at one another.

  I could tell by the look in Grandma’s eyes that she was on the verge of using magic, so I forced my way in between the two of them and pushed them apart.

  “Get out of my way, Jill,” Grandma spat the words. “Let me deal with this woman.”

  “No, I won’t. What on earth is going on here?”

  “Your grandmother refuses to see sense,” Miss Drinkwater said. “Can you try to talk some into her?”

  “It’s not a question of seeing sense,” Grandma snapped. “I will not be dictated to by you or anyone else in this village. Hotel Fir
st Time will be hosting afternoon teas from this Saturday, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.”

  “We’ll see about that. I’ve been running this tea room for almost twenty-five years, and I’m pretty sure who the villagers will back.”

  “It certainly won’t be you.” Grandma scoffed. “No one in this village likes you.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m well respected and liked by everyone.”

  “In your dreams. Jill, tell her, will you? Tell her that everyone thinks she’s an ogre.”

  There was no way I was going to get dragged into that argument, but I couldn’t just walk away in case Grandma did something stupid. Without another word, I grabbed Grandma by the arm and, despite her protestations, dragged her back to the hotel.

  “What do you think you’re playing at, Jill? Why didn’t you let me sort that woman out?”

  “Because you’d totally lost it. If I’d left you to it, you would have used magic on her.”

  “So what? The woman’s a rat, so it would have served her right if I’d turned her into one.”

  “And what good would that have done you? The rogue retrievers would have been all over you like a rash, and that would have been the end of your hotel.”

  “I’m not backing down over the afternoon tea.”

  “I don’t expect you to. Just ignore Miss Drinkwater; don’t rise to the bait.”

  “Okay, you’ve made your point.”

  “Do you promise not to go back down there?”

  “Yes, I promise. I’ve got better things to be doing with my time, anyway.” And with that, she stormed into the hotel.

  I made my way back to the tea room where the crowd had dispersed. Miss Drinkwater was inside, sitting on a stool next to the counter; she met my entrance with an icy glare.

  “What do you want,” she snapped.

  “I’m hoping to make you see reason.”

  “Unless you’ve persuaded your grandmother to abandon her plans to offer afternoon tea, you’re wasting your breath.”

  “That’s never going to happen, so you may as well get used to the idea. Instead of wasting your energy arguing with my grandmother, you should be thinking about how best to compete with her. You said yourself, you already have a head start because you’ve been in the village for such a long time. Use that to your advantage.”

  “I don’t need you to tell me how to run my business, young woman.”

  “I’m just trying to help.”

  “Well don’t. I’d like you to leave now.”

  “Okay, but whatever you do, don’t go up to the hotel.”

  When I got back to the car, Jack was standing in the garden.

  “I wondered where you’d gone. I looked out the window and the car was still here.”

  “I’ve just been breaking up a fight between Grandma and Miss Drinkwater.”

  “Oh dear. What was that all about?”

  “Afternoon tea, what else? I’ll fill you in on the gory details tonight.”

  I was just about to drive away when I heard muffled sounds coming from the glove compartment. When it didn’t open, I figured it must be stuck, so I pulled it open.

  And immediately wished that I hadn’t.

  Henry was in there, but he wasn’t alone. He and a female elf were locked in a passionate embrace, and neither of them had noticed me.

  “Ahem!”

  The two of them finally realised I was there.

  “Jill? Do you mind?” Henry said.

  “Do I mind?”

  “Some privacy, please.”

  “I—err—” I was lost for words, so I pushed the glove compartment closed.

  Unbelievable!

  ***

  There wasn’t a scarf on the door handle, so I walked straight in.

  “Good morning, Mrs V.”

  “Good morning, Jill. Did you have a nice weekend?”

  “Yes thanks, but I didn’t sleep very well last night, I had a horrible dream about a clown called Mr Cheese.”

  “You never were very fond of clowns, were you? Why was he called Mr Cheese?”

  “Because instead of a nose, he had a lump of cheese in the middle of his face.”

  “How horrible. No wonder you were upset.”

  “Aren’t you recording a video today, Mrs V?”

  “No, and you’ll be pleased to hear that I won’t need to use the office to record them from now on.”

  “How come? Have you given up on them?”

  “On the contrary, I’m planning to up my output. I showed Armi what I’d done so far, and he thought they were very good. In fact, he came up with the idea of using the spare bedroom as my studio. Over the weekend, we cleared the furniture out of there and we’ve set up my recording equipment.”

  “Good for you, but what will you do with yourself all day here in the office?”

  “I’ll go back to my knitting and crocheting.”

  “Right.”

  “And any work you may have for me, of course.”

  “Only if you have the time.” She shot me a look. “Just joking.”

  I walked into my office to find Winky standing on the sofa, dressed as a pirate.

  “Winky, why are you wearing that getup?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  “Not to me, no.”

  “It’s the pirate fancy dress competition next week of course. Surely I’ve mentioned it to you before?”

  “You haven’t. Trust me, I would have remembered. It’s a very striking outfit. Where did you get it from?”

  “I had it specially made, which is why I’m a nailed-on certainty to win. Everyone else will be wearing the same off-the-peg rubbish from the costume hire shops.”

  “That sword is very realistic.”

  “That’s because it is real.” He began to wave it around his head.

  “Be careful. You’ll have someone’s head off.”

  “I’m a master swordsman. You have nothing to worry—”

  The sword slipped from his grasp, flew across the room, and wedged itself into my desk.

  “Idiot! You could have killed me.”

  “Sorry, it slipped.”

  “Look what you’ve done to my desk.”

  He jumped off the sofa, walked across the room, and tried to pull it out, but it wouldn’t budge.

  “It’s stuck.”

  “Well, you’d better un-stuck it before my new client arrives. What kind of impression will he get if there’s a sword sticking out of my desk?”

  Winky put his back paws on the desk to give himself more leverage. He pulled and pulled, and when the sword did eventually yield, it sent him tumbling onto his backside.

  “There you are.” He pointed to the desk. “Good as new.”

  “Apart from that big gash, you mean?”

  “You can barely see it.”

  “This desk is an antique. It’ll have to be repaired, and you’re going to pay for it.”

  “Okay, no big deal. I’ll pay for it out of my prize money when I win best costume in the Jolly Roger awards. I expect us to win the best couple category.”

  “Us? Couple? Who’s your other half?”

  “My new girlfriend. Her name is Mimi.”

  “When do I get to meet the unlucky lady?”

  “She’ll be popping in on Friday. I’ll introduce you to her then.”

  “Will she be dressed as a pirate too?”

  “Of course.”

  A little later, Mrs V brought my drink through. “Sorry, Jill, I forgot to mention I took a phone call for you before you arrived.”

  “From a prospective client?” I asked more in hope than expectation.

  “I’m afraid not. It was Betty Longbottom.”

  “What did she want?”

  “She asked me to tell you that she’ll be coming to carry out her inspection on Friday morning at ten o’clock.”

  “Friday? I hope you told her that wouldn’t be convenient.”

  “She wasn’t really as
king. She gave me the impression that she expected you to accommodate her. She asked if you’d have all your books ready for her to inspect.”

  “She’ll be lucky.”

  ***

  My first client of the week was a gentleman by the name of Raymond Double.

  “Good morning, Mr Double. I’m Jill Maxwell.”

  “Good morning, young lady. And it’s okay, I know what you’re thinking.”

  “You do?”

  “I saw it in your eyes as soon as I walked through the door. Don’t worry, I’m used to it by now. It happens all the time.”

  “Right. What does?”

  “You thought I was Rock Masters, didn’t you?”

  “I’m sorry, you’ve lost me. Who’s Rock Masters?”

  “You’ve never heard of Rock Masters?”

  “I’m afraid not. Should I have?”

  “Rock was a big movie star back in the eighties, but he’s retired now. Might even be dead—no one seems to be sure.”

  “Right. I’m sorry, but I don’t remember him.”

  “It was back in the seventies that I realised I bore a striking resemblance to him. Since then, my face has been my fortune.”

  I glanced at the note that Mrs V had passed to me when she’d made the appointment. “It says here that you run something called the Double Take Agency?”

  “That’s right, Jill. Back in the eighties, I used to hire myself out as a Rock Masters lookalike. After a few years, I decided to start my own agency, and I’ve been running Double Take ever since. I have over fifty lookies on my books now.”

  “Lookies?”

  “It’s what I call my lookalikes.”

  “Right. And what exactly is it I can do for you, Mr Double?”

  “Call me Rock, everyone does.”

  “Okay, Rock, how can I be of assistance?”

  “I believe that someone is deliberately trying to sabotage my business.”

  “Sabotage it how? Can you be a little more specific?”

  “It all started about six months ago when I took a booking for my Scarlet Jewel lookie.”

  “Hang on. Scarlet Jewel? Should I have heard of her?”

  “She’s one of the country’s biggest reality TV stars.”

  “Right. And you have a lookie who resembles Scarlet Jewel?”