Witch Is How To Fool Cats Read online

  “Mrs V, have you finished checking that list of charities?”

  “I have, dear, just a few minutes ago. They all check out.”

  “Really? I was hoping there might be a ringer in amongst them.”

  “I’ve double-checked all of them.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Would you mind if I called it a day, Jill? That whistling noise has given me an awful headache.”

  “No problem. You get off home. If Macabre doesn’t sort it out tomorrow, I may have to take matters into my own hands.”

  When I went back to my office, Winky was on the phone.

  “Calm down, Donny. I’ll be there as quick as I can.” He ended the call.

  “Another dissatisfied energy drink customer?”

  “No. That was Donny the Dustbin. His old mum, Maureen, is upset about something, but she won’t tell him what’s wrong. Mo’s always had a soft spot for yours truly, and Donny thinks she might open up to me.”

  “Why is he called Donny the Dustbin? Does he live in one?”

  “Of course he doesn’t. Who lives in a dustbin? He works on the bins, obviously.”

  “Obviously.”

  Chapter 14

  Winky had gone to see Donny the Dustbin’s mother, but not before he’d promised that he’d remove the decoupage from my desk by the next morning. Mrs V had gone home early because she could take no more of the whistling sound. I’d had enough of it too, so I magicked myself over to Aunt Lucy’s. While I was there, I could check when would be a good time to book Barry in for a wash and trim.

  I found her standing in front of her house, talking to a couple of werewolves.

  “Jill, come and meet my new neighbours. These are the Bees. This is my niece, Jill Maxwell.”

  “I’m Ben.” This guy’s handshake certainly wasn’t like a wet lettuce. Another few seconds and the bones in my hand would have shattered.

  “And I’m Beatrice, but everyone calls me Bea.”

  “It’s lovely to meet you both. When did you move in?”

  “Just this morning.” Bea beamed. “We were so lucky to find this place, and your aunt has already made us feel welcome.”

  “Hopefully you’ll last longer than the previous neighbours,” I said.

  “Your aunt told us about them. What a horrible thing to have happened.”

  “Bea, you really must call me Lucy. Would you like to come inside and join Jill and me for a cup of tea?”

  “We’d love to, but we have a ton of unpacking still to do.”

  “Of course. Another time maybe?”

  “Definitely.”

  I took a seat at the kitchen table while Aunt Lucy put the kettle on.

  “Your new neighbours seem nice.”

  “They’re lovely. Just before you got here, Bea told me they’re expecting their first baby.”

  “How exciting for them.”

  “I’m waiting for the day when you come over to tell me the same thing.”

  “Anyway, moving on: It occurred to me that Barry is overdue a trip to the groomers.”

  “You’re right. In fact, I’ve been meaning to mention it to you, but I keep forgetting.”

  “I’ll give them a call now, shall I?” I took out my phone.

  “It might be better to do it after you’ve left. You know how much Barry hates going there. If he hears you making the appointment, he’s going to be murder to live with. It would be better just to tell him on the day he has to go.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you a call to let you know when the appointment is.”

  “Speaking of your pets, did you know that Rhymes has got himself a girlfriend?”

  “No, I didn’t. Since when?”

  “A few days ago. She’s upstairs now. You should go and introduce yourself.”

  Barry was fast asleep, and he just about managed to raise his head when I walked into the room. “Hi, Jill.”

  “Hi, big boy, how are you?”

  “Too tired for a walk. Dolly took me to the park earlier.”

  “That’s okay. It was actually Rhymes I came to see. Where is he? Do you know?”

  “Under the bed.” Barry yawned and closed his eyes.

  “Rhymes! Are you under there?”

  Moments later, Rhymes emerged looking rather flustered.

  “Hi, Jill.”

  “A little bird tells me that you’ve got yourself a girlfriend.”

  “Err, that’s right.”

  “Go on, then, I want to hear all about her.”

  “I—err—”

  Just then, a pretty tortoise stuck her head out from under the bed. “Rhymesy, what are you—oh, I didn’t realise we had company.”

  “This is Jill who I’ve told you about.”

  “I’m very pleased to meet you, Jill.” She came out from under the bed. “I’m Poesy.”

  “I was just reading Poesy some of my poetry,” Rhymes spluttered.

  Of course he was.

  “That’s nice. Which of his poems do you like best, Poesy?”

  “I—err—” She blushed. “I like all of them, actually.”

  “Surely you must have a favourite?”

  “I—err—”

  “Poesy really enjoyed Ode to a Shell, didn’t you?” Rhymes prompted her.

  “That’s right. Odour Shell was very good.”

  “We should get back to what we were doing.” Rhymes took her by the hand and led her back under the bed.

  “Okay. Enjoy your poetry reading, you two.”

  “Did you see his girlfriend?” Aunt Lucy asked.

  “I did. She seems really nice. And she’s obviously into Rhymes’ poetry. They couldn’t wait to get back to it.”

  “Amber came over earlier. She was very upbeat about the new loyalty scheme they’ve launched.”

  “There was certainly no shortage of takers when I was there on Saturday. I’m just a little worried that they haven’t given enough thought to how they’re going to manage the scheme.”

  “She did mention that, but she seemed to think you were worrying over nothing.”

  “I hope she’s right. Anyway, I should be going. I’ll let you know when I’ve made Barry’s appointment.”

  ***

  Once I was outside, and out of Barry’s earshot, I gave the groomers a call.

  “Posh Pooch, Rhianna Rose speaking, how may I help you?”

  “Oh? I thought I’d called Woof Wash?”

  “This used to be Woof Wash, but we took over the business recently. We still offer all the same services plus many new ones.”

  “I see. I was hoping to book my Labradoodle in for grooming.”

  “When did you have in mind?”

  “Any day this week. The sooner the better.”

  “We have a slot free on Friday afternoon at two if that’s any good?”

  “That will be fine.”

  “What’s the name?”

  “Jill Maxwell.”

  “I meant your dog’s name.”

  “Sorry. It’s Barry.”

  “Okay, that’s all booked for you. We’ll see you and Barry on Friday.”

  I gave Aunt Lucy a quick call to let her know when Barry’s appointment was, and then magicked myself back to Washbridge.

  I was in the car park, and just about to get into my car.

  “Jill? Is that you? It is, isn’t it?”

  The woman clearly knew me, but I had no idea who she was. Don’t you hate it when that happens? I’m never sure what to do. Do I pretend I recognise her and hope she says something that will remind me who she is? Or do I admit I don’t have the first clue who she is and risk causing offence?

  She must have seen the non-plussed look on my face because she said, “It’s me, Dorothy.”

  “Dorothy.” I was still none the wiser.

  “Dorothy Payne.”

  “Dotty?” The penny had finally dropped.

  Swotty Dotty had been the cleverest pupil in my year. She used to come top in every subject.

/>   “It’s actually Dorothy Powers now.” She held out her hand to show me her wedding ring. “I’m married to Ray. You remember him, don’t you?”

  I did. He was the top sportsman in my year. He’d been captain of the rugby and cricket teams. He’d also been the best all round athlete.

  “Yes, I do. I don’t think I’ve seen either of you since I left school.”

  “We both went to Cambridge University, and since then we’ve been working in London, but we’ve just moved back to Washbridge.”

  I’d been so surprised to see Dorothy that I hadn’t clocked it straight away, but now something occurred to me.

  “You’re a witch,” I blurted out.

  “So are you.” She laughed. “I had no idea.”

  “Neither did I. That I was a witch, I mean. I only found out a few years ago.”

  “How come?”

  “It’s a long, complicated story. I won’t bore you with it now. Hold on a minute. Does that mean you used to use magic at school?”

  “Of course I did.” She laughed. “How else do you think I managed to come top in all the exams?”

  “I—err—I thought—”

  “That I was a swot? That’s what I counted on.”

  “So you didn’t used to spend all of your time swotting?”

  “Of course not. Hardly any, actually.”

  “That’s brilliant. I wish I’d known that I was a witch back then. I used to hate all that revision. What about Ray? Does he know?”

  “That I’m a witch? Of course. He’s a sup too.”

  “Really? A wizard?”

  “No. He’s a werewolf.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “What about your sister? Kathy, isn’t it? Is she a witch too?”

  “No, she’s a human. I was adopted.”

  “She doesn’t know, then?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Are you married, Jill?”

  “Yeah. To Jack.”

  “A sup?”

  “No, he’s a human.”

  “How do you manage to keep it hidden from him?”

  “It isn’t easy.”

  “It can’t be. Look, I have to get going, but we should get together sometime. The four of us, I mean.”

  “I’d like that.”

  We exchanged phone numbers and then she went on her way. Who would have thought it? All those years, I thought Swotty Dotty was a swot, but she was actually a blatant cheat.

  Would it be terrible for me to say that she’d gone up in my estimation?

  ***

  My stash of custard creams was dwindling, so I decided to call in at The Corner Shop on my way home.

  Little Jack was on duty, but he didn’t greet me with his customary enthusiasm. In fact, as I approached the counter, he didn’t even look at me. Instead, he seemed to be staring at something over by the fridges. It was only when I stepped out of the aisle and approached the counter that I understood the reason for his apparent indifference. Standing in front of the fridges was a man wearing a ski mask; he was holding a gun. When the man spotted me, he swivelled around so the barrel of the gun was pointing at me.

  “Get down on the floor!” he yelled. “Put your hands up!”

  “Make your mind up,” I snapped. “Do you want me to get on the floor or to put my hands up?”

  “Put your hands up and don’t move!”

  “How am I supposed to put my hands up if I can’t move?”

  “Just do as I say.”

  “What are you doing in here, anyway? Did you mistake it for a bank?”

  “Don’t try to be smart or else.”

  “Or else what? You’ll hit me with that feather duster?”

  He glanced down only to find that I’d turned the gun into a pink feather duster. I wasn’t sure who looked the more surprised: the would-be robber or Little Jack.

  The man threw the gun/feather duster away, turned on his heels, and bolted for the door. He didn’t get very far, though, because a washing line wrapped itself around his feet, sending him crashing to the ground. Moments later, another one secured his hands. To finish the job off, and to drown out his shouting, a duster wedged itself into his mouth.

  “What just happened?” Little Jack looked at me, open-mouthed.

  I didn’t answer immediately. Instead, I cast the ‘forget’ spell on both Little Jack and the robber, and then turned the feather duster back into a gun.

  “You’d better call the police, Jack, but before you do, could I pay for these custard creams?”

  “Err, yeah, okay.” He took my money. “Where’s his gun?”

  “It’s there.” I pointed to it on the floor. “You’d better not touch it. In fact, it would probably be a good idea to lock the shop until the police arrive.”

  “Aren’t you going to stay, Jill?”

  “I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s you they’ll want to talk to. After all, you’re the hero of the hour.”

  “Me? I didn’t do—”

  “You mustn’t be so modest, Jack. The way you disarmed him and then tied him up was nothing short of miraculous. It was really quick thinking of you to use the washing lines.”

  “I—err—guess it was.”

  ***

  When I arrived home, Norm and Naomi Normal were in their front garden. As I got out of the car, they both seemed to be looking at me, so to be polite, I waved and shouted ‘hi’. I needn’t have bothered because neither of them responded. Not a word. Not even a wave. They just continued to stare at me. To tell you the truth, it was a little unnerving.

  I considered going over to check if they were okay, but then I thought better of it. It was probably nothing; they’d most likely just had some kind of falling out. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t in the mood for a discussion about the joys of the alphorn.

  An hour later, when Jack arrived home, dinner was almost ready. By which, I mean the pizza delivery man was at the door.

  “Mmm, that smells good.” Jack took off his coat. “I’m really in the mood for pizza.”

  “I knew you were. I used magic to get inside your mind to find out what you fancied. It’s just as well I did too because I was about to make a roast dinner.”

  He began to eye me suspiciously, so I quickly changed the subject. “Were the Normals in their front garden when you came in?”

  “No, I didn’t see them. Why?”

  “When I came home, they were acting kind of weird.”

  “Weirder than usual, you mean?”

  “Yeah. They were both looking across the road at me, but when I waved and shouted hi, they blanked me.”

  “Maybe they didn’t hear you?”

  “They must have seen me waving.”

  “Perhaps they had something else on their minds.”

  “I guess so.” I shrugged.

  “Speaking of the Normals, I heard back from Washbridge Windfarm Enterprises earlier. They’re coming to install the wind turbines next Tuesday.”

  “Wow! I wasn’t expecting it to be as quick as that. Do you think we’re doing the right thing?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts, Jill? This was your idea in the first place.”

  “Of course not. It’s just going to be weird to look out of the back window and see all those wind turbines.”

  “True, but just think of all the money we’ll save on electricity.”

  We’d no sooner finished our dinner than there was a knock at the door. Jack was closest, so he went to see who it was while I began to load the dishwasher.

  Moments later, he was back and, judging by the look on his face, he wasn’t very pleased about something.

  “Who was it? Not another fishman?”

  “No. It’s Sue Shay.”

  “Sushi? What on earth does that awful woman want?”

  “Shush! She’s in the lounge.”

  “Why is she here? Doesn’t she know that you’re off duty?”

  “It isn’t me she’s here to see. She w
ants to talk to you. Something about a robbery at The Corner Shop?”

  Oh bum!

  Chapter 15

  “You worry too much, Jack,” I said, in-between mouthfuls of cornflakes. “Sushi may be many things, but she’s not a complete idiot. Do you really think she’s going to pursue the feather duster story? They’d think she’d lost her marbles.”

  “But what about the other witness she mentioned?”

  “That was all rather unfortunate. I had no idea there was anyone else in there. How was I supposed to know someone was hiding in the pet food aisle? If I’d realised, I would have wiped his memory too.”

  “He must have seen everything.”

  “I’m sure he did, but who’s going to believe that the gun turned into a feather duster, and the washing lines somehow tied up the robber? No one, that’s who.”

  “I kind of feel sorry for him. People will think he’s crazy.”

  “He’ll get over it.”

  “Don’t you think that the idea of Little Jack tackling the robber is a bit farfetched? He doesn’t look capable of doing something like that.”

  “I’m not worried about that. Little Jack is bound to confirm my version of events if for no other reason than it makes him look like a hero.” I finished off the last of the cereal. “Can we stop talking about Sushi now? It was bad enough having her here. I feel like I should get the lounge deep-cleaned.”

  ***

  As I left the house, Britt called me over.

  “Have you seen Norm and Naomi lately, Jill?”

  “Not to speak to, but they were in the garden when I came home last night. Why?”

  “They’ve been acting kind of weird. I wasn’t sure if it was something that I’d done to upset them.”

  “Now you mention it, they did seem a little strange yesterday. When I shouted to them, they just ignored me.”

  “I hope they’re both okay.”

  “I’m sure they are. Like I said to Jack, they’d probably just had words or something.”

  “I guess.”

  “By the way, Britt, we’ve signed up for the wind turbines.”

  “Do you really want those ugly things in your back garden?”

  “Jack and I discussed it at length, and we decided the saving on our energy bill would be worth it.”