Witch is How The Dice Fell Read online

  “Let me do all the talking when Kathy comes back downstairs,” I said.

  “Don’t worry. I intend to.”

  “This had better be good.” Kathy had changed out of her glad rags, and she did not look happy.

  “How’s Peter?” I said.

  “He’s in bed.”

  “It’s a pity you had to cancel your night out.”

  “Could we get back to the subject in hand?”

  “The feathers?”

  “Yes, Jill. The feathers. How did the pillow burst?”

  “It was all my fault.”

  “I didn’t doubt that for a single moment. What happened?”

  “I challenged Lizzie to a pillow fight, and I got a little carried away.”

  “That’s not what Lizzie said. She said she was fast asleep and when she woke up, she was covered in feathers.”

  “She’s such a little love. She’s obviously trying to cover for me so that I don’t get in trouble.”

  “Oh?”

  “It’s okay to tear me off a strip. I deserve it. But don’t tell Lizzie because she’ll feel bad if she thinks I’ve got in trouble.”

  “Where’s the pillow?”

  “It’s here.” Jack passed it to her.

  She studied it, and for a moment, I thought she was going to comment on the clean cut that Jack had made, but to my relief, she put it down and said, “I’m going to have a cup of tea. Do you two want one, or would you rather get off home?”

  “We can’t drive because we’ve been drinking wine. Can we sleep here tonight?”

  “Of course you can, but you’ll have to sleep down here on the sofas because I don’t want to disturb Pete.”

  “That’ll be fine.”

  “I don’t know how you do it,” Jack whispered when Kathy went to make the drinks.

  “Do what?”

  “Lie like that. You even had me believing you.”

  “What did you do with the feathers?”

  Before he could answer, Kathy shouted, “Why are all these feathers in the cupboard?”

  “You put them in a cupboard?” I looked at him in disbelief.

  “I panicked.”

  “What was wrong with the waste bin?”

  “It was full of biscuits. I thought about putting them in the washing machine, but decided that wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  “You think?”

  Kathy appeared with a tray of drinks.

  “Sorry about the feathers in the cupboard.” I picked up one of the cups. “Jack, tell Kathy why you put them in there.”

  “I—err—” He spluttered.

  “Never mind.” Kathy passed him a cup. “I’ll sort it out in the morning.”

  After we’d finished our drinks, and Kathy had gone to bed, Jack and I settled down on the two sofas.

  “What did you do with that vampire thing?” Jack said.

  “It’s in the car boot. When we get back home in the morning, I’ll give Daze a call. She’ll come and collect it.”

  “Poor little Lizzie. Fancy having that horrible thing stealing your dreams.”

  “I know. I’m just glad she didn’t see it. She really would have had nightmares.” I laughed. “You should have seen your face when Kathy asked about the feathers in the cupboard.”

  “I had no idea what to say.”

  “I thought we were in trouble when she saw the pillow. Couldn’t you have made the tear more convincing?”

  “It’s okay for you. I’m not used to all of this subterfuge.”

  “It’s okay. I love you anyway.” I blew him a kiss. “Sleep tight.”

  ***

  Neither of us slept particularly well on the undersized sofas, but ironically, we were both fast asleep when Kathy and Lizzie came charging into the lounge at seven o’clock the next morning.

  “Auntie Jill!” Lizzie was bouncing around the room. “I had a dream last night!”

  “Really?” I wiped the sleep from my eyes. “That’s great.”

  “It was a really long one too.”

  “She came running into our bedroom to tell us.” Kathy looked thrilled.

  “How’s Peter?” Jack sat up and stretched.

  “He’s feeling much better. In fact, he’s in the kitchen, making breakfast. He asked what you two would like.”

  “Nothing much for me,” Jack said. “Cereal will be fine.”

  “What about you, Jill?”

  “Nothing much for me either. A bit of bacon, some sausages, and eggs. Maybe some fried bread. And toast, of course.”

  “No mushrooms or hash browns?”

  “Actually, I—”

  “I’ll just tell him a full English, shall I?”

  “Go on, then. If you insist.”

  Mikey appeared in the doorway. “Why are there feathers on the stairs, Mum?”

  “Morning, sweetheart.” Kathy gave him a kiss. “A pillow burst.”

  “Do you want to play another game of fishing, Uncle Jack?”

  “Of course he does,” I said. “He was practising after you went to bed last night.”

  ***

  After we’d finished breakfast, I drove us both home, so we could get changed before we went to work.

  “How many more fishing games did you play?” I asked.

  “Another three.”

  “And how many did you win?”

  “I don’t remember.”

  “Was it less than one?”

  “I suppose you could have done better?”

  “I certainly couldn’t have done any worse.”

  “At least I didn’t resort to cheating.”

  “I never cheat.”

  “Yes, you do. At every opportunity.”

  Just then, a banging noise came from the rear of the car.

  “It sounds like our little friend has woken up,” I said.

  “Have you called Daze yet?”

  “No, I couldn’t do it at Kathy’s, could I? I’ll call her as soon as we’re in the house.”

  Once we were home, Jack showered first because he was already running late. While he was doing that, I called Daze and told her I’d captured one of the Ridax. She was just about to have a bath, but she said she’d be over within the hour.

  By the time I’d showered and dressed Jack had already left for work. I was on my way downstairs when there was a knock at the door. Daze must have finished her bath and got over here quicker than she’d expected.

  I was wrong; it wasn’t her.

  Chapter 19

  “Britt?”

  “Jill, I think there’s something trapped in the boot of your car.”

  “Sorry?”

  “I was just about to go for my morning run when I heard a tapping sound. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from at first, but then I realised it was from your car.”

  “I think the exhaust is on its way out. I need to get it replaced.”

  “That can’t be it. The engine isn’t running. Maybe a cat crept in there when you weren’t looking.”

  “That must be it. A cat. Well, I’d better get back inside, I’m running late.”

  “But what about the cat? It might suffocate.”

  “I wouldn’t think so. It’s a pretty big boot. There’ll be lots of air inside there.”

  “Please, Jill. Lovely went out last night and she hasn’t come back yet. It might be her.”

  Oh bum!

  “Okay, but if it’s a cat, it might be aggressive after being stuck in there. I wouldn’t want you to get scratched. Why don’t you go back into the house while I see to it?”

  “I’m okay. I’d rather wait here until I know if it is Lovely.”

  Great! “Alright, just wait there a minute.” I dashed inside to the kitchen, emptied the biscuit barrel and then re-joined Britt.

  “What’s that for?”

  “Protection. In case it’s aggressive.”

  “A biscuit barrel?”

  “Trust me, they’re the best protection against aggressive cats. It’s bee
n scientifically proven.”

  “Oh?”

  “Get in the car and stay there until I’ve got it under control.”

  “But I—”

  “Please, Britt, it’s for your own safety.”

  “Okay.”

  Once she was inside the car, I opened the boot lid slowly. Fortunately, lots of feathers had been tipped in there with the Ridax, so the creature was still visible. It tried to escape, but I was too quick for it. I managed to get it inside the biscuit barrel and put on the lid. Then, before giving Britt the all-clear, I took the biscuit barrel back into the house.

  “Okay, you can come out now. You were right, it was a cat. It wasn’t Lovely, though.”

  “Where is it?”

  “The little blighter was too quick for me. As soon as I lifted the boot lid, it shot out and ran away.”

  “Thank goodness it was okay.”

  “That’s all thanks to you. Well done, Britt.”

  Daze arrived twenty minutes later.

  “Where is the ugly little monster?”

  “In there.”

  “You put it in a biscuit barrel?”

  “It was the closest thing to hand.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us that your niece had been having issues with her dreams? You knew we were on the lookout for dream vampires.”

  “I couldn’t be sure it was the Ridax, and I didn’t want to freak Lizzie out unnecessarily. She told me that a lot of other kids in her school have been upset because they can’t dream either.”

  “Don’t worry. Blaze and I are going to move operations to Lizzie’s school later today. Once we know which kids have been affected, we’ll soon be able to track down the Ridax.”

  “How are you enjoying your stint as a dinner lady?”

  “I’m not.” She sighed. “The sooner this particular operation is over, the better. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat mashed potatoes again.”

  ***

  A tomato took my money at the toll bridge. No, I hadn’t lost my mind. All will soon become clear.

  “Morning, Jill,” Mr Ivers stood up. “Do you like Tommy?”

  “Tommy the tomato?”

  “Yeah. I’m determined not to allow myself to become bored by the job this time around, so I got to thinking: what could I do to make it more interesting?”

  “And you came up with hand puppets?”

  “Exactly. And as luck would have it, the Hand Puppet Emporium was having a sale on vegetable hand puppets.”

  “That was lucky.”

  “What did you think of the newsletter?”

  “Excellent, as always. Much better now that it’s on cassette.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes, much better.”

  “I’m a little confused.” I had to take his word for it—with Mr Ivers, that was pretty much his permanent expression.

  “Why’s that?”

  “I’ve discovered there’s a fault on the cassettes. They were all inadvertently sent out blank.” He held up another cassette. “I was going to give you this replacement.”

  “Right? What I meant was that although I’d enjoyed reading the newsletter, it would probably be even better on audio.”

  “I see. Do you have the old cassette, so I can reuse it?”

  “Err, I think it’s back at the house.”

  “No worries. Maybe you could let me have it another day.”

  “Of course. No problem.”

  ***

  When I arrived at my office building, there was someone blocking my way up the stairs, and for once, it wasn’t a clown.

  “Excuse me, Bruiser.”

  “Why? What have you done?” He laughed.

  “Can I get past, please?”

  “Did you give Stinky my message?”

  “His name is Winky, and no, I didn’t. He’s been here much longer than you have. You should show him some respect.”

  He scoffed. “The only thing I’ll be showing him is my fists.”

  “You horrible little—”

  “Jill?” I spun around to find Jimmy and Kimmy staring at me in horror. “You mustn’t talk to little Bruiser like that.” Kimmy scooped the cat up into her arms. “You’ll upset him.”

  “Sorry, I—err.”

  “I thought you were a cat lover?” she said.

  “I am. I’m really sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t sleep well last night. That must be it.”

  “Fair enough, but please don’t speak to Bruiser like that again. He’s still feeling a little fragile in his new home.”

  Fragile? The cat was a psycho and a bully.

  “Good morning, Jill.” Mrs V took off her earmuffs. “You didn’t tell me that you’d taken up boxing?”

  “Sorry?”

  “When I went through to your office to put the post on your desk, I saw the punch bag.”

  “Oh that. I thought it would be a good way to work off the stress.”

  Winky was knocking seven bells out of the punch bag.

  “I really don’t think this fight is a good idea, Winky. Every time I see Bruiser, he seems to get bigger.”

  “Size isn’t everything. It’s all about the moves, and I’ve got them all. Jab, jab and then the big uppercut. He won’t know what hit him.”

  “Couldn’t the two of you just talk things through? Over a bowl of milk, maybe. Perhaps you could come to some kind of agreement over—”

  “Have you lost your tiny mind? This is not the time for a cosy little chat. This is war!” He gave the bag a punch for emphasis.

  Oh dear. Much as I admired Winky’s courage, I couldn’t convince myself that he stood a chance against the monster who’d moved in next door. There was no way I could stand by and wait for the inevitable. I had to do something.

  But what?

  ***

  Was it my imagination or was Alistair’s whistling even louder? I could hear the tuneless row while I was sitting at my desk. At this rate, I’d have to invest in a pair of earmuffs too.

  I’d always fancied hitting a punch bag. Winky was fast asleep under the sofa, so he’d never know if I had a quick go. I could pretend it was Martin Macabre.

  I swung a fist.

  Ouch! That hurt!

  “You’re supposed to wear boxing gloves.” Winky opened one eye. “It’s ten pounds for ten minutes, by the way.”

  “What is?”

  “To use my punch bag.”

  One punch had been more than enough for me; my knuckles were still smarting. So much so, I struggled to answer the phone when it rang.

  “Get down to Ever now!”

  “Good morning, Grandma. What’s up?”

  “I’ve finalised the marketing plans for your human.”

  “His name is Jack.”

  “Whatever. You’d better hurry up because I have to be at chimney sweep later.”

  “Right? Why do you have to see a chimney sweep?”

  “Are you coming or not?”

  “Sorry. I’m on my way now.”

  I was absolutely sure that Grandma’s house didn’t have a chimney, so why did she need a chimney sweep?

  Julie and the other Everettes were looking as canary-like as ever.

  “What do you think, Jill?” Julie touched the lapel of her jacket.

  “Err, very nice. I’ve always liked the red.”

  “Red?” Judging by her expression, I’d clearly missed something. “Your grandmother bought these new outfits last weekend.”

  “Right. And that colour is one you approve of?”

  “Yes, we’ve been pushing for the blue for some time now.”

  “Blue? Right. They look great. Anyway, I’ve been summoned. I’d better not keep her waiting.”

  When I opened the door to Grandma’s office, I was almost hit on the nose by a dart.

  “You should have knocked before you came charging in. That dart was headed for the bullseye.”

  “Sorry.” She’d attached a dart board to the inside of the door. “I di
dn’t know you played darts, Grandma.”

  “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, young lady. I’m the team captain of the Candlefield Arrows. We have a match against the Chimney Sweep Arms later.”

  “Ahh, the Chimney Sweep is a pub.”

  “Yes, they have one of the best darts teams in Candlefield. Not as good as the Arrows, of course.” She seemed to be staring at me. “I’ve only just noticed. You’re the spitting image of Suzi Barnstorm.”

  “Who?”

  “She won the Candlefield Open Darts tournament. You must have seen her on the news?”

  “I can’t say that I have.”

  “She’s about your height, and has a crooked nose.”

  “I don’t have a crooked nose.”

  “Hmm. Anyway, we’d best crack on. I don’t want to be late for the darts.” She laid out her plans for TenPinCon on the desk. “What do you think of them?”

  “It’s a giant bowling ball and pins.”

  “Brilliant, eh?”

  “But that’s the same thing as you came up with the first time. I thought we’d agreed it was too dangerous.”

  “You’re missing one important change that I’ve made.” She pointed to a note at the bottom of the plans.

  “Soft?”

  “Exactly. The bowling ball and skittles will be soft and spongy, so there’ll be no damage, and no humans will get killed. That seemed to concern you for some reason.”

  “I guess that could work.”

  “Is that all the thanks I get? This is pure genius.”

  “Sorry. It’s great. I assume it will still require magic, though?”

  “Of course. How else do you think I’m going to get a giant bowling ball and skittles? Now, do I have the green light to proceed or not?”

  “I really should run it by Jack first.”

  “You can’t tell him about the magic.”

  “Of course not, but I think he should at least be given the opportunity to see what you have in mind.”

  “Very well, but this is it as far as I’m concerned. If he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to come up with his own ideas.” She stood up. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have a darts match to go to.”