Witch is Why It Was Over Read online

  “Never mind. I’ll bring you a stick of rock back.”

  Chapter 3

  The previous night’s drinking obviously hadn’t taken too much of a toll on Jack because he’d already left for work by the time I dragged myself out of bed.

  When I got downstairs, I found the note he’d left for me on the kitchen table. It read:

  I didn’t like to wake you, my beautiful princess. Lots of love and kisses.

  It didn’t really. It actually read:

  We’re out of butter. Can you pick some up?

  The old romantic.

  I took my cornflakes through to the lounge, and noticed a figure across the road. It was one of the balaclava twins, but I couldn’t be sure which one. They were staring straight at me, so I waved. As soon as I did that, they turned tail and headed back to their house. This pair were taking weird to a whole new level.

  When I took the rubbish outside to the bin, it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen Joey, the sand sloth, for a while. With a bit of luck, he’d found another sandpit to live in. After checking that none of the neighbours were around, I called out, “Joey? Are you there?”

  “Hi.” The little sloth popped his head out of the sand.

  Before I could say anything, another sloth appeared.

  “Who’s that?”

  “That’s Zoe, my girlfriend. I hope you don’t mind, but I told her she could move in with me.”

  “Hi,” Zoe said. “It’s very kind of you to let us live here. Finding a free sandpit these days is almost impossible.”

  “You’ll both have to stay out of sight. I can’t have you scaring the neighbours.”

  “Don’t worry, Jill,” Joey said. “You won’t even know we’re here. I promise.”

  ***

  On my way to Washbridge, the traffic was moving at a snail’s pace. It took me ten minutes to travel no more than a mile, but then I saw the reason for the hold-up. Temporary traffic lights had been erected because of roadworks.

  When I finally made it to the front of the queue of cars, I glanced over to see what the workmen were doing.

  “Daze?”

  Waste deep in the hole, she’d swapped her catsuit for overalls. Standing next to her was Blaze who was wearing identical clothes.

  “Hi, Jill.” Daze wiped her brow with a muddy hand.

  “That looks like hard work.”

  “It is. And boring.”

  “I take it you’re working undercover?”

  “Not exactly. A number of us have been seconded to Z-Branch until the current emergency is over.”

  “What’s Z-Branch?”

  “Sorry, I should have explained. Z-Branch is the department in Candlefield that’s responsible for monitoring zombie activity in the human world.”

  “I’ve never heard it mentioned before, although I am familiar with Z-Watch.”

  “Z-Watch is an unofficial group of amateurs who play an important part, but Z-Branch is the official body. They’re the big guns, if you like.”

  “Do rogue retrievers often get seconded to them?”

  “No, thank goodness. This is my least favourite job, but it is only the second time it’s happened since I’ve been with them, so I shouldn’t complain.”

  “What prompted the call-up this time?”

  “We’re expecting a major zombie incident tomorrow because it’s a full moon.”

  “I thought the full moon only brought out werewolves. I didn’t realise it had an effect on zombies.”

  “Normally it doesn’t, but this is a supermoon.”

  “A what?”

  “It’s when the moon appears much larger than normal. For some reason, it brings out the zombies in their hordes.”

  “Why are you digging the hole?”

  “You probably won’t be surprised to learn that zombies aren’t the smartest of creatures, on account that they have little or no brains. That’s quite fortunate really because it makes our job much easier. All we have to do is map their likely routes and then set traps like this one.”

  “Does that mean you’re expecting zombies to come down this road?”

  “Yes, but not just this one. There are teams of rogue retrievers digging similar holes throughout this area.”

  A car horn sounded behind me because the traffic lights were showing green.

  “I’d better be going. Good luck with the zombies.”

  “Thanks, Jill.”

  ***

  Jules was at her desk.

  “Have you heard about the wedding, Jill? It’s so exciting, isn’t it?”

  “Very.” I’d never understood why people got so excited about weddings.

  “Did Annabel tell you that she wants you and me to be bridesmaids?”

  “Oh, yes.”

  “I just love the dresses which she’s picked out for us. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

  “Well—err—”

  “Those frills, the giant bow, and I just love pink, don’t you?”

  “I—err—”

  “By the way, did you know that the nail bar has opened?”

  “Yeah, they were queuing on the stairs yesterday.”

  “I hope it’s quieter today because I thought I might take advantage of the opening offers, and get my nails done. Why don’t you come with me, Jill?” She glanced at my hands. “Your nails could do with some work.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’ll pass.”

  In all the time I’d known Winky, I’d never seen him look so totally wrecked. He was flat out on the sofa, with one of the kittens sitting on his tummy, and another on his head.

  “Help,” he managed, weakly.

  “Shoo, you two! Get off your uncle!”

  The kittens jumped down and scuttled across the room.

  “I’ve barely had a minute’s sleep.” Winky managed to sit up. “They never stop; they’re relentless.”

  “I thought you had them eating out of your paw?”

  “I had no idea that kittens could be such hard work. Will you take them home with you tonight?”

  “No chance. You were the one who volunteered for kitten-sitting duties.”

  “You have to help me, Jill. I can’t handle another night like last night. Will you go and get Peggy? She’ll know what to do.”

  “I don’t know where she lives.”

  “I’ll give you her address. Please, I’m desperate.”

  “Okay, I’ll do it if I get the time.”

  Twenty minutes later, I came to the conclusion that there was no point in staying in the office. Have you heard the saying: trying to herd cats? Well, I’d just spent the last fifteen minutes watching a cat trying to herd cats (or at least kittens), and he’d failed miserably. The little balls of fur were running Winky ragged, and making me dizzy.

  “Don’t leave me!” Winky shouted when he saw me headed for the door.

  “I’m going to see if I can find Peggy.”

  “Thank you. I won’t forget this.”

  “Do you think Mrs V will want us to wear pink shoes too?” Jules said.

  “I really do hope so.”

  “Me too.”

  She obviously didn’t have her sarcasm detector switched on.

  I’d have to be careful how I played this because I’d got into trouble before when I’d run a similar errand for Winky.

  The man who answered the door seemed friendly enough, although the tattoo of a frog playing the drums, on his neck, was a little distracting.

  “I’m sorry to trouble you, but I’ve found a cat in the building across the way. I’m contacting all the cat owners in the vicinity to see if their cats are missing. The concierge said that you have one?”

  “We do, but she’s inside, I think.” He took a step back. “Lorraine, is Peggy in the flat?”

  “Yes, she’s asleep on her bed.” The woman’s voice came from somewhere inside the apartment. “Why?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He turned back to me. “It’s not our cat. Peggy is inside.”


  “Okay, thanks.”

  That was part one of my master plan accomplished. At least now, I knew Peggy was inside. For the second part of my plan, I would need the help of magic.

  After checking there was no one around, I shrank myself, and then levitated until I was level with the cat flap. Next, I used the ‘power’ spell to give mini-me the strength to push the flap open. Once inside, I cast the ‘invisible’ spell, and then searched the apartment until I found Peggy, who was fast asleep on her cat bed. So far, so good, but I would have to be very careful now because the woman of the house was only a few feet away, seated on the sofa, watching a daytime soap.

  Invisible mini-me climbed onto the cat bed, and crept along it until I was standing next to the cat’s ear.

  “Peggy!”

  She twitched, but didn’t wake up.

  “Peggy! Wake up!”

  I had to duck as she scratched her ear. And, still she slept on.

  “Peggy! Winky needs you.”

  That seemed to do the trick because she sat up, and looked around, confused.

  “It’s me, Jill. I’m invisible.”

  She stared in my direction, but obviously couldn’t see me.

  “Winky has asked me to come and get you. His niece and nephews have come to stay for a few days, and he can’t cope.”

  Peggy nodded, and then whispered. “I’ll get over there now. Will you be okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine. You go.”

  She jumped off the bed, and sprinted for the door. I left at a much more leisurely pace.

  ***

  I didn’t head straight back to the office because I wanted to give Peggy time to work her magic. Hopefully, she’d be able to get those little monsters under control.

  Before going into Coffee Triangle, I checked to make sure it wasn’t drum, gong or triangle day. It turned out to be maracas day, so I treated myself to coffee and a blueberry muffin.

  What? It was the least I deserved after my daring foray in search of Peggy.

  “You’re playing those maracas incorrectly, lady.”

  The man standing next to my table was wearing jeans and a lumberjack shirt; he had what could only be described as a basin cut.

  “Sorry?”

  “The maracas. You’re not playing them correctly.”

  “I didn’t realise there was a right and wrong way.” I gave them another shake.

  “No, no. That won’t do at all.” He snatched them from my hands. “Let me show you. The idea is to get the beads to hit the front of the maracas on the beat. Like this.” He demonstrated. “See?”

  “I think so.”

  “Here, try again.” He handed them back. “Let the beads roll back, and then strike forward.”

  “Okay.” I tried to follow his instructions. “Like that?”

  “Better, but you’ll need to keep practising.”

  “Do you work here?”

  “No. I’m from the Washbridge Maracas Society. Our mission is to promote maracas whenever and wherever we can. When we heard about Coffee Triangle, we decided we should pay regular visits on maracas day, to ensure that everyone gets the most out of them. Make sure to keep up the practice.”

  “I will. Thanks for the tips.”

  On my way back to the office, as I was walking past Ever, Kathy spotted me through the window, and beckoned me to go inside.

  “It’s quiet in here,” I commented.

  “Don’t be fooled. I’ve been run off my feet all day.”

  “Have you told Grandma that you’re—”

  “Shush! No, not yet. I don’t intend to say anything until I hand in my notice on Friday.”

  “Are we still on for the seaside tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. The coach picks us up on School Lane at eight o’clock. Do you know where that is?”

  “It’s where Lizzie’s school is, isn’t it?”

  “That’s right. Don’t be late. Did you and Jack enjoy yourselves last night?”

  “Yeah, we did, thanks.”

  “Only you could buy a foot-spa for someone’s anniversary.”

  “I thought it was an inspired choice. Anyway, you can blame Jack. I told him that he should choose the present.”

  “Pete likes it. After you two had left, he sat with his feet in it for almost an hour.”

  “If you two have done chatting on my time.” Grandma had crept up behind me. “I’d like a word with you in my office, Jill.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” I said to Kathy, and then followed Grandma into her lair.

  “I hate that woman,” Grandma said, once she’d pushed the door to her office closed.

  “Hold on! That’s my sister you’re talking about.”

  “Not Kathy. I’m talking about Ma Chivers.”

  “What’s she done now?”

  “She’s been appointed head of the Senior Witches Society.”

  “The what?”

  “It’s a bunch of old has-beens who spend all of their time complaining about this or that.”

  That sounded right up Grandma’s street. “Are you a member?”

  “Not now. I was for a short while, but I gave up on them. I didn’t want to be associated with such a bunch of losers. Somehow, Ma Chivers has wangled her way to the top.”

  “Why do you care if you have so little regard for the organisation?”

  “Because she’s using her new platform to spread all manner of malicious rumours about me.”

  “What kind of rumours?”

  “That my powers have diminished. That I’ve lost my marbles. That kind of thing.”

  “No one is going to believe her.”

  “You would think not, but some of the old dears in that organisation are very gullible.”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  “I’m going to undermine her. Let’s see how she likes that.”

  “Is that all?” I’d expected much worse.

  “It will be enough. Just you wait and see.”

  “Okay, well I suppose I should get going.”

  “Hold on a minute. Your sister told me that Annabel is going to get married.”

  “That’s right. To Armi.”

  “How ridiculous. I thought she had more sense.”

  “What’s wrong with them getting married? I think it’s lovely.”

  “If you think it’s so lovely, how come you haven’t married your human?”

  “Jack is not my human, and we’re not talking about me.”

  “Do you know where Annabel plans on having her reception?”

  “I don’t think she’s decided yet.”

  “In that case, you can put a word in for Ever. I plan to hire out the ballroom in between events.”

  “Will you give her a discount?”

  “Good idea. I’ll bump up the price, and then knock some off, so she thinks she’s getting one.”

  Unbelievable.

  I’d no sooner stepped out of Ever than Betty Longbottom called to me from across the road. At this rate, I’d never make it back to the office.

  “Jill, you have to come and see.” She beckoned me into the shop.

  “I’m rather busy at the moment, Betty. What is it?”

  “Come on. You’ll be impressed. I promise.”

  I doubted that, but I had little option but to follow her. To my surprise, she walked all the way through the shop, and out of the rear door.

  “Where are we going, Betty?”

  “Over there.” She pointed to the large building immediately behind the shop.

  “Is that where your marine centre is going to be?”

  “Eventually yes, but there’s a lot of work to do before The Sea’s The Limit opens.”

  Once inside the building, we wound our way down a corridor until we came to a cavernous room.

  “Wow!” I looked up at the two huge glass tanks, which were already filled with water.

  “These will be the centrepiece of the exhibition,” she said.

  “How co
me they’re full of water when you’ve barely started work on the building?”

  “We wanted to check they had no leaks before we built around them.”

  “Is that Sid in there?” I pointed to the scuba diver.

  “Yes, he passed the course first time of asking.” She knocked on the glass, and he gave her the thumbs-up. “I can’t wait until I qualify so I can join him.”

  “I’m impressed. The tanks must have set you back a pretty penny.”

  “We didn’t have to spend as much as we’d expected. We managed to find a supplier who came in at less than half what we were originally quoted.”

  “Really? And the supplier is reputable, I assume?”

  “Of course.”

  When I left Betty, I reflected on how far she’d come since I’d first met her. Back then, she’d been a tax inspector. Now, she was the proud owner of a crustacean gift shop, and would soon be launching a marine centre.

  Truly impressive.

  Chapter 4

  When I eventually made it back to the office, Dexter, Jules’ new boyfriend, was standing next to her desk.

  “I hope you don’t mind me popping in for a few minutes to see Jules?” he said, nervously.

  I’d put the fear of god into him the last time I’d seen him. Dexter was a werewolf, and I’d made it clear that if he hurt Jules in any way, he’d have me to answer to.

  “Of course not, provided you don’t set up camp in here.”

  “I’ve been telling Dexter about the wedding,” Jules said. “He’s looking forward to it, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I love weddings.”

  Freak!

  “That’s if we’re still together.” Jules scowled. “I’m not very happy with him at the moment.”

  My ears pricked up at that. “Why? What has he done?”

  “It’s my day off tomorrow; Dexter is off too. I thought we could have a day out together in West Chipping, but misery guts here says he has to work on his car.”

  “I’ve already said I’m sorry,” Dexter said. “But I really do have to work on it.”

  “Has it actually broken down?” I asked.

  “Well, err—no, but it’s—”