Witch Is How To Fool Cats Read online

“I’m sure.”

  “John and I had been friends for years. We played golf together. Tennis too.”

  “And swimming.”

  “That’s right. I still can’t believe what’s happened.”

  “How was John before the tragic incident?”

  “Absolutely fine. On top form I’d say. That’s what makes this so hard to accept. It’s really knocked me for six. I haven’t been back to work since it happened.”

  “It must have been awful for you.”

  “I keep thinking I should have noticed something. Maybe then I could have stopped him.”

  “But you just said yourself that he seemed fine. How could you know what he was going to do?”

  “That’s what I keep trying to tell myself.”

  “Where were you when it happened?”

  “I’d gone through to the main pool.”

  “How come John wasn’t with you?”

  “We’d just finished getting changed when John got a phone call. He said that I should go through to the pool, and that he’d join me in a few minutes. That was the last time I saw him. Not long after that, we were forced to evacuate the building.”

  “Do you know who phoned him?”

  “No. I have no idea.”

  ***

  Back at the office, Winky had a stupid grin on his face.

  “I’ll warn you now. One word about that sign, and I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

  “I’m not interested in your silly sign.”

  “What are you grinning at, then?”

  “I’m looking forward to my evening with the delightful Sonya.”

  “Oh yes, I’d forgotten. It’s the party tonight, isn’t it?”

  “The party is just an excuse to see me again. It’s obvious she wants to get back with me.”

  “Don’t raise your hopes too high. That might not be what she has in mind.”

  “Of course it is. She’s clearly seen the error of her ways, and who can blame her? It’s not every day you find a catch like me.”

  “It must be your modesty that she finds so attractive.”

  My phone rang.

  “Mr Tune?”

  “Jill, I can only apologise.”

  “Apologies are no good to me. I need a sign that isn’t upside down.”

  “You’re not the only one.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It appears that Harry has installed all the signs, which he was working on today, upside down.”

  “Why would he do something like that? I hope you’ve sacked his sorry backside.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why on earth not?”

  “Because he’s already resigned. This little escapade was his way of giving me the finger before he left.”

  “Has he got a new job? You should inform his new employer.”

  “He doesn’t need one. He won the lottery. Five million.”

  “Well that’s just dandy for Harry, but what about my sign? How quickly can you put it the right way up?”

  “It may take a while.”

  “Why?”

  “There’s a lot of them to be turned around, and now that Harry has left, I’m shorthanded.”

  Oh bum!

  Chapter 8

  In an attempt to take my mind off the train wreck that was my sign, I made a call to the wind turbine people.

  “Good afternoon, you’re through to Washbridge Windfarm Enterprises, my name is Crystal, how may I help you today?”

  “Hi. My neighbours have recently had some of your wind turbines installed in their back garden, and I wondered if I could talk to someone about them.”

  “Is it something you’d be interested in doing too, madam?”

  “Possibly. I don’t know. I’d like to know more about it first.”

  “Of course. We normally send one of our representatives out to see your property, and to talk you through how it works. Would you like me to arrange that?”

  “Err, yeah. I guess so.”

  “Could I take your name, please?”

  “Jill Maxwell.”

  “And where do you live?”

  “In Smallwash.”

  After I’d given her the address, she told me that one of their representatives could be with us the next day.

  “It’ll be in the evening at about eight, Mrs Maxwell, is that okay?”

  “Yes, that’ll be fine.”

  “Excellent. It’s all set up now. The gentleman who’ll be calling on you is called Frank Miller.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Wind turbines?” Winky rolled his eye.

  “What’s wrong with that? It’ll save us a fortune in electricity charges.”

  “Who wants a garden full of wind turbines?”

  “It’s none of your business. Why don’t you get back to your bottling plant?”

  “I’ve done for the day. And besides, I have to make myself beautiful for my big date tonight. Talking of which, shouldn’t you be somewhere else?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your beauty audit?”

  “Oh bum, I’d forgotten about that.” I glanced at my watch. “I should just about make it if I run.”

  ***

  It would be something of an understatement to say that I didn’t have great expectations for Deli’s beauty audit. I assumed it would just be some half-assed consultation with her or one of her staff, during which time they’d try to sell me a range of overpriced treatments.

  Turned out I was wrong.

  Deli took me through to a small cubicle at the back of the salon, specially set aside for the beauty audits. In there, on a table, was a small machine, which had all manner of dials and flashing lights.

  “What’s that thing?”

  “This is the BNA.”

  “The what?”

  “The Beauty Needs Analyser. Impressive, isn’t it?”

  “Err, yeah, I guess so. How does it work?”

  “Take a seat.” I did as she said. “Now face that small screen in the centre.”

  “Okay. What now?”

  “That’s it. When I flip the switch, the machine will begin the analysis. It takes about ten minutes, and when it’s finished, a report will be printed through that slot at the bottom.”

  “Right?”

  “Is it okay if I leave you to it, Jill?”

  “Err, yeah. Ten minutes, you said?”

  “That’s right.” She threw the switch. “Try not to move until it’s finished.”

  It’s surprising how long ten minutes can seem, but eventually the machine made a buzzing sound, and a sheet of paper, headed Beauty Audit Report, came out of the slot.

  Deli must have heard the buzzer because she reappeared at my side.

  “That wasn’t too bad, Jill, was it?”

  “No. It was painless enough.”

  “Why don’t you read your report?”

  “Would you mind if I took it away and read it later? I have to be somewhere in ten minutes, and it’s rather urgent.”

  “Okay. But make sure you follow up on the recommendations. They’re there for a reason.”

  “Don’t worry. I will.” I folded the slip of paper and shoved it into my bag. Never to be seen again.

  The ‘somewhere’ that I had to be was actually Coffee Games; I was dying for a drink. Once I’d left Nailed-It, I made sure Deli wasn’t watching through the window, and then I dashed across the road and into the coffee shop.

  There was something very strange going on inside Coffee Games, and it took me a few seconds to work out what it was. Then it struck me: people were just sitting around, drinking coffee. What’s strange about that, you might ask. I’ll tell you. The strange thing is that’s all they were doing. There were no board games on the tables, and as far as I could tell, no one was playing parlour games.

  “What’s the game of the day, Piers?”

  “There isn’t one.”

  “How come?”

  “The owners have de
cided that from now on there’ll be one day per month when there will be no games.”

  “How’s that going down with the clientele?”

  “It’s too early to say. A few people walked out when they found out, but some seemed quite relieved.”

  “You can put me down in the second camp. It’ll be nice to have a peaceful drink for a change.”

  “Your usual?”

  “Just a latte, please.”

  “Are you sure? We’re doing buy one, get one free on muffins today.”

  “I wish you hadn’t told me that.” I hesitated. “No, just the coffee.”

  Look at me with all my self-control.

  I was just about to take a seat next to the window when someone called my name.

  “Jill! Why don’t you come and join us?”

  It was Daze, Blaze, and a woman who I didn’t recognise.

  “Jill, this is Lorna Trune.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Lorna.”

  “Likewise.” She stood up and we shook hands.

  “Do you work with Daze and Blaze?” I assumed she was another rogue retriever.

  “No, but I’m in a similar line of work.” She smiled.

  “Lorna does pretty much what we do,” Daze said. “It’s just that her ‘customers’ are a little different.”

  “She rounds up rogue extra-terrestrials!” Blaze blurted out.

  “Blaze!” Daze shot him a look, and then said in little more than a whisper, “What have I told you about being careful what you say when we’re in the human world?”

  “Sorry, but it’s true, though. Tell Jill what you do, Lorna.”

  “I work for E.W. That stands for Extraterrestrial Watch.”

  “Hang on,” I interrupted. “Is this some kind of wind-up?” I glanced back and forth between the three of them, waiting for one of them to crack and laugh, but no one did.

  “It isn’t a wind-up,” Daze said. “I promise.”

  “You’re telling me that there are aliens here on earth?”

  “Shush!” All three of them said in unison.

  “Sorry. I’m just a bit staggered, that’s all.”

  “Why would you be surprised?” Daze said. “Why is that any stranger than the other things you’ve discovered over the last few years?”

  “I don’t know, but somehow it is.” I turned to Lorna. “Are there many aliens living amongst us?”

  “Not that many. Certainly not as many as there are sups. Unfortunately, there are a few bad apples. That’s why I asked for this meeting today.”

  “We help one another whenever we can,” Daze said.

  “Is something in particular happening at the moment?” I glanced around and spotted a guy at the counter who had the makings of an extra-terrestrial. “Are there aliens in here, right now?”

  “No.” Lorna shook her head. “And for your information, we call them Exes.”

  “Come to think of it, I’ve had a few problems with my exes over the years.” I laughed, but the others just looked blankly at me. “So, what’s going on? Is it anything I need to be aware of?”

  “Another pair of eyes is always welcome,” Lorna said. “We’re having problems with the Oodahs.”

  “Again.” Blaze sighed. “Those guys don’t know when to give up.”

  “Oodahs?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard correctly.

  “That’s right.” Lorna nodded. “They come from the planet Oodahuthnk.”

  “You are having a laugh. What kind of name is that for a planet?”

  “A weird one, but there’s nothing funny about the Oodahs,” Lorna said. “They’re very dangerous, and they won’t stop until they’ve taken over the Earth.”

  “Is that all? For a moment there, I thought it was something serious.”

  “Jill!” Daze said. “This is no laughing matter.”

  “I’m sorry. You aren’t actually being serious, are you? Take over the Earth? How are they going to do that?”

  “Based on the intelligence we’ve managed to gather to-date, it appears they’ve sent a relatively small scouting convoy to establish bases around the world. Once they have enough of them set up, the full-scale invasion will begin.”

  “This all sounds like some kind of bad B movie.”

  “I only wish it was.”

  “What are you doing about it?”

  “Right now, the priority is to find this initial convoy and destroy them. If we can do that, then we expect the invasion will be called off.”

  “But if you don’t find them?”

  Lorna shook her head. “It doesn’t bear thinking about.”

  “I’d like to help, but what can I do?”

  “The only thing any of us can do is to keep our eyes peeled. The Oodahs are masters of disguise, which is how they’re able to set up the initial bases without being noticed.” Lorna took out a business card. “My number is on there. If you see or hear of anything suspicious, please give me a call.”

  “I will.”

  She stood up. “Sorry, I have to get going. Thanks to all of you for your help.”

  “Anyone want another drink?” Blaze had finished his coffee.

  “Not for me, thanks.” I still had a full cup.

  “Nor me.” Daze shot him a disapproving look. “You’re having way too much caffeine.”

  “Okay, I’ll get decaf.” Blaze huffed, and then made his way to the counter.

  “I’m glad I’ve seen you, Daze. I’d like to pick your brain about something.”

  “Fire away.”

  “What do you know about wood nymphs?”

  “Not a lot, to be honest. Other than that they live in woods and have a sweet tooth. Why do you ask?”

  “You may just have answered my question. Mrs V has just bought a new house; its garden backs onto a wood. Since she moved in, her biscuits and cakes have been disappearing. She thinks her husband has been eating them, but I have a sneaking suspicion it might be the wood nymphs who I met when Mrs V first took me to see the house. When I confronted them about it, they flatly denied that they were responsible.”

  “Oh yes, that’s the other thing I remember about them. They’re very good liars.” She smiled. “A bit like you.”

  “That’s a bit harsh.”

  “Come on, Jill. I’ve never known anyone who could lie like you can. You’ve turned it into an art form.”

  “I think I’d better have another word with those wood nymphs. What is it with sups and their sweet tooth? First gargoyles and their sugar mice and now wood nymphs.”

  “Hang on. Did you just say sugar mice?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Have you bought some recently?”

  “Yeah. For the gargoyle who lives on the roof of my office building.”

  “Oh dear.” Daze laughed.

  “Oh dear, what?”

  “You just fell for the oldest trick in the book.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Let me guess. Does this have anything to do with missing roof slates?”

  “Yeah. How did you know?”

  “Did the gargoyle tell you he could stop the slates going missing in return for the sugar mice?”

  “He said the slate vulture has been stealing them.”

  “Slate vulture?” She laughed. “That’s a new one. The last time I heard someone fall for that one, it was supposed to be a slate hawk that had stolen them.”

  “Are you telling me that there’s no such thing as a slate vulture?”

  “Of course there isn’t.”

  “So who is nicking them—hold on, it’s the gargoyle, isn’t it?”

  “Yep. How many sugar mice did you buy for him?”

  “Two weeks’ worth with a promise of more when they’d gone.” I stood up.

  “Are you leaving already? You haven’t finished your coffee yet.”

  “Sorry, but I have a bone to pick with a roof dweller.”

  I couldn’t believe that I’d been conned by a gargoyle. When I got my hands around his ug
ly neck, he’d be sorry.

  As I hurried up the high street, my way was blocked by a man selling balloons. I’d never seen anyone holding so many—there must have been at least a hundred of them.

  “Can’t you find somewhere else to sell those,” I snapped. “You’re blocking the pavement.”

  “I have as much right to stand here as anyone else.”

  “Do you have a licence?”

  “What business is it of yours? Who are you, anyway? The balloon inspector?”

  “I’ve a good mind to report you.”

  “Who to?” He laughed. “If you aren’t going to buy a balloon, move along. You’re blocking my customers.”

  “What if I come back here with a pin, and burst all your balloons? You won’t be laughing then.”

  “Try it. You’ll get a boot up the backside.” He gestured to some of the ugliest boots I’d ever seen.

  “What on earth are those?”

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but these are genuine deep sea diver’s boots.”

  “They look ridiculous.”

  “That’s as maybe, but without them, I’d float away. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve wasted enough time talking to you. Balloons! Two pounds each! Get your balloons!”

  ***

  “Ron! Ron! I know you’re up here. I want a word with you.”

  I was on the roof of my office building, and I was still spitting feathers after what Daze had told me about the lying scumbag of a gargoyle.

  “You called?” He came sliding down the roof.

  “You’re a liar and a conman!”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You seem a little upset, Jill.”

  “That’s because I am. You’ve taken me for a complete mug. There are no such things as slate vultures, are there?”

  “Who told you that?”

  “Never mind. They don’t exist, and the only reason the slates have been going missing from this roof is because you stole them. Are you going to deny it?”

  “Would there be any point?”

  “I want my sugar mice back.”

  “Sorry, it’s too late. I’ve already eaten them.”

  “All of them? They were supposed to last you for two weeks.”

  “What can I tell you? Once I start, I can’t stop. I suppose I could regurgitate them for you if you like.”