Witch is Why It Was Over Read online

  “That’s great, Jill. Barry will be thrilled. I don’t imagine they pay very much, though?”

  “No, but it isn’t about the money. I’m just glad to do it for Barry.”

  What? Of course that was my only motivation. Just how mercenary do you think I am? Sheesh!

  ***

  My income was about to increase dramatically, courtesy of Barry, so I figured I could give myself the rest of the afternoon off. And besides, I still had to work out how I was going to resolve the Dexter situation.

  On my way home, I called in at the corner shop where Little Jack Corner was stocking the shelves behind the counter.

  “I see you’re buying custard creams again, Jill.”

  “I wouldn’t want to run out.”

  “Very wise. I heard on the grapevine that there’s a countrywide shortage of them.”

  “What? That’s terrible.”

  “It’s okay. I’m only pulling your leg.”

  “Don’t do that. You had me going there for a minute. I see you’ve taken down all the mirrors. How come?”

  “A couple of customers were dazzled by the beams of light; one lady walked straight into the display of pickled onions.”

  “Was she okay?”

  “Yeah. A bit smelly, but otherwise unscathed.”

  “I suppose that means you and Missy are back to shouting to one another?”

  “Not at all.” He reached under the counter and brought out a walkie-talkie. “Corner One to Corner Two, come in.”

  Missy’s voice came crackling through. “Corner Two receiving loud and clear.”

  “Just testing. Corner One over and out.”

  “Is she over by the buckets?” I said.

  “The buckets have gone.”

  “All of them?”

  “Yes.” He looked very pleased with himself. “Every last one.”

  “How come? Did you have a run on them?”

  “Not exactly. I sold them all to the same two people. I shouldn’t talk about my customers behind their backs, but these two were a little strange. They were both wearing balaclavas.”

  ***

  Jack and I were seated at the kitchen table, eating pizza.

  “Are you sure you heard correctly?” he said.

  “Yes, Little Jack said they’d bought all sixty-seven buckets.”

  “Why would anyone need sixty-seven buckets?”

  “Beats me. I thought the balaclava twins were weird before, but this confirms it.”

  Jack pinched the last slice of pizza just before I could grab it.

  “That was mine.”

  “No, it wasn’t. You’ve already had one more slice than me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.

  “I wouldn’t want you to feel guilty that I’m still hungry.”

  “That’s okay. I don’t.” He grinned. “It’s a pity you have to go out tonight.”

  “I have no choice. There’s someone I need to interview who can only see me tonight.”

  “Shame. The semi-finals of the National Ten-Pin bowling are on TV.”

  “And there was I thinking you wanted to make mad, passionate love to me.”

  “We could have done that after the programme had finished.”

  “It’s nice to know you have your priorities right.”

  “What is it you’re working on tonight?”

  “A cold case. A murder.”

  “Have you made much progress?”

  “Not a lot.” I checked my watch. “I’d better get going. Enjoy your bowling.”

  When I got into the car, my phone beeped with a text message from Dexter:

  Jill. I’m worried sick. Don’t know what to do.

  I replied:

  Take Jules to hospital at seven. I’ll send you further instructions soon.

  When I arrived at the hospital, the first thing I had to do was to find a doctor’s coat, so I’d be able to wander around without being challenged.

  Once I’d located the staff room, I made myself invisible and slipped inside. In there, I found a pile of white coats, presumably waiting to go to the laundry. It took me a couple of minutes to find one that was my size that wasn’t covered in yucky stains.

  After reversing the ‘invisible’ spell, I emerged from the staff room, looking every bit the doctor. No one gave me a second glance as I wandered from floor to floor, until I eventually found what I was looking for.

  The bed was made, but the room was deserted. So too were the rooms on either side. The nearest nurses’ station was at the far end of the corridor. This would be ideal.

  I shot off a text to Dexter:

  Bring Jules to room 3112 on the third floor.

  He didn’t reply, so I just had to hope that he’d seen it. There wasn’t much time to spare because, by my calculations, he and Jules would be arriving within the next fifteen minutes.

  The next step in my ingenious plan was to cast one of my least favourite spells: the ‘ageing’ spell. A quick check in the mirror confirmed that it had worked. Staring back at me was the same old woman who had helped to recover my mother’s ring when it had been stolen in the care home.

  Only then did it occur to me that I didn’t have a nightdress. It was too late to go in search of one, so I slipped off the doctor’s coat, threw it into a drawer, and then climbed into bed, fully dressed. If I made sure to keep the bed sheets up under my chin, no one should notice.

  A few minutes later, the door opened, and in walked Dexter, followed by Jules. His face was a picture.

  “Dexter,” I said in a weak voice. “Come in. Who’s that with you?”

  “Hello—err—Gran. This is Jules.”

  “Hello, young lady. Come a little closer so that I can see you properly.”

  Jules followed Dexter over to the bed.

  “Hello, Mrs Ribery. I brought these for you.” Jules held up a small bouquet of flowers.

  “How very kind. Put them on there, would you? I’ll ask the nurse to get a vase.”

  “How are you feeling, Mrs Ribery?”

  “Much better now, but still very weak.”

  “I hope you don’t mind me coming here with Dexter?”

  “Not at all. He told me that he’d left you stranded yesterday. That was very inconsiderate of him.”

  “It’s okay. Once I knew why he’d had to shoot off, I completely understood.”

  “He’s a little darling really, aren’t you Dexter?”

  “Thanks, Gran.” He blushed.

  Mission accomplished. I’d give it another couple of minutes, and then I’d tell my visitors that I was getting tired, and that I needed them to leave. Then it would be back home to Jack and a night of passion (always assuming the ten-pin bowling had finished).

  “Mrs Wiseman?” A nurse appeared in the doorway. “We weren’t expecting you for another hour. When did they bring you up?”

  Jules turned to Dexter, and I saw her mouth the word, Wiseman?

  Before I could say anything, the nurse continued, “I’m afraid you two will have to leave now. Is this your gran?”

  Dexter nodded.

  “Say your goodbyes, please. It’s time for your gran’s bed bath.”

  Oh bum!

  “Bye, Gran.” Dexter started for the door.

  “Aren’t you going to give your gran a kiss?” The nurse called him back.

  “Err—yeah—of course.” He came over and gave me a peck on the cheek. I’m not sure which one of us felt more uncomfortable.

  “Bye,” Jules said, and then they both disappeared out of the door.

  “They seem like nice kids.” The nurse came to my bedside.

  “No bed bath.”

  “Sorry?”

  “I don’t want a bed bath, thank you.”

  “Don’t be silly. You know the routine. It will only take a few minutes.”

  I tried to stop her pulling back the sheets, but my frail old arms were no match for hers.

  “What the—?” She gasped whe
n she saw that I was fully dressed.

  I had to act quickly, so I cast the ‘forget’ spell, reversed the ‘ageing’ spell, and then hightailed it out of the room. The lift doors had just opened, so I caught a ride down to the ground floor.

  That had been a close call, but I’d got away with it.

  “Jill?”

  I spun around to see Jules and Dexter. They must have taken the stairs.

  “Jules? Hi. What are you doing here?”

  “We’ve just been to see Dexter’s gran, haven’t we?”

  Dexter nodded. He looked more than a little confused, and was probably still trying to work out who the old lady playing his grandmother was.

  “How is she?” I asked.

  “Tell her, Dexter,” Jules prompted him.

  “She—err—she’s much better, thank you.”

  “That’s great.”

  “What are you doing here, Jill?” Jules said.

  “Me? I—err—I work here as a volunteer a few times each week.”

  “You’ve never mentioned it.”

  “I don’t like to make a big thing of it, but I do like to do my bit for the community. Anyway, I’d better press on. They’ll be expecting me up on the wards.”

  “Bye, Jill,” Jules said, and then walked out, arm in arm with Dexter.

  The sacrifices I made for my staff.

  Chapter 9

  The next morning, Jack and I were both in the kitchen. He’d made bacon cobs for the two of us, and I have to say that mine was going down a treat.

  “Last night was fantastic,” he said, and then wiped a splodge of ketchup from the side of his mouth.

  “It sure was, Stud.”

  “I meant the bowling. Who would have thought the Titans would get through to the final?”

  I glared at him.

  “What? I’m only joking.” He came over, grabbed me around the waist and lifted me off my feet. “Give me a kiss, sexy.”

  “You’ve still got some ketchup on your—”

  Too late. He’d already planted his ketchupy lips on mine.

  After that brief moment of passion, Jack went back to his bacon cob.

  “I still can’t get my head around those weirdos across the road, buying sixty-seven buckets,” he said.

  Neither could I. It was high time I checked out the balaclava twins. “I sometimes think you and I are the only normal people on this street.”

  He gave me a look. “There’s nothing normal about you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t mean that in a bad way. I like that you’re totally kooky. That’s one of the things that attracted me to you.”

  “And there was I thinking it was my looks, great body and personality.”

  “Those too, but the truth is, I’ve never met anyone else quite like you. It’s like you don’t live in the same world as the rest of us. I don’t really know how to explain it.”

  “In that case, don’t try. Just give me another kiss instead.”

  “I love you, Jill Gooder.”

  “What brought that on?”

  “What do you mean? Aren’t I allowed to tell you that I love you?”

  “Of course you are.”

  “This is the point where you’re supposed to say it too.”

  “Say what?”

  He rolled his eyes.

  “Oh, right. Yes, of course, I love you.”

  “Wow, I’m overwhelmed.”

  “I do love you. You know I do.”

  “Enough to spend the rest of your life with me?”

  “Where did that come from?”

  “We never talk about the future.”

  “And you think that while we’re eating bacon cobs would be the time to start?”

  “This is what you always do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Change the subject, or turn everything into a joke.”

  “No, I don’t. Is that the time? I have to get going. I promised that I’d—err—drop in on Kathy. I’ll see you tonight.”

  I grabbed my coat and bag, and hightailed it out of the house before he could ask any more awkward questions. I loved Jack more than life itself, but I didn’t know how to hold the kind of conversation he clearly wanted to have. I really wanted to tell him that we’d be together forever—I truly hoped we would. But it wasn’t as simple as that—not even close. He had no idea who I was—not really. There was a major part of my life that he knew nothing about.

  Megan was standing behind her van. The back doors were open, and she was spraying the interior with what appeared to be air freshener.

  “Hi, Jill.”

  “Morning. Thanks again for the lift yesterday.”

  “No problem. I’m just trying to get rid of the smell in here. It’s as though something crept inside and died.”

  “How did the job go yesterday?”

  “Okay, thanks, but it took a little longer than I expected. Is your car alright now?”

  “Yeah. All sorted.”

  “Do you read The Bugle, Jill?”

  “Not if I can help it, but Jack does buy it for the bowling scores, occasionally.”

  “Did you see the headline yesterday? About the zombies?”

  “Yeah. They’ll print any old rubbish.”

  “That’s what I thought, but at the house where I was working yesterday, the woman reckoned her brother-in-law had seen one. He lives not far from here.”

  “That explains it.”

  “Explains what?”

  “The smell in your van. Maybe a zombie climbed inside.”

  She smiled. “Makes you think, though, doesn’t it? Who knows what might be living alongside us.”

  “True. For all you know, I might really be a witch.”

  She laughed. “That can’t be true, or you would have used magic to mend your car yesterday.”

  ***

  Today was the day that Kathy was supposed to hand in her notice at Ever. Maria had already left to go and work with Luther, so Grandma wouldn’t be very thrilled when she found out that Kathy was jumping ship too.

  Kathy was behind the tea room counter, daydreaming.

  “Have you done the deed yet?” I asked.

  “Do you have to sneak up on people like that?”

  “Sorry. I didn’t realise you were sleeping. So? Have you?”

  “Not yet. I’m working myself up to it.”

  “Just do it.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. I barely slept last night, wondering how she’ll react.”

  “She’ll probably be glad to see the back of a slacker like you.”

  “Thanks a lot. Did you actually want something, or did you just come in to insult me and gloat at my discomfort?”

  “Mainly that, but also to ask if Jack has said anything to you about him and me recently.”

  “Like what in particular?”

  “Anything.”

  “What’s this all about, Jill?”

  “Just now, he asked how I saw our future. What kind of question is that?”

  “OMG, he wants to get married.”

  “Whoa there! Where did you get that from? That’s not what he meant at all. And who over the age of seventeen says: OMG?”

  “Of course that’s what he was talking about. What did you say?”

  “Nothing really. I couldn’t figure out why he was asking such deep questions over breakfast. He even had the audacity to accuse me of avoiding any kind of serious conversation.”

  “What did you say to that?”

  “That I had to leave because I’d promised to drop in on you.”

  Kathy rolled her eyes. “You kind of proved his point for him then, didn’t you?”

  “I still don’t think he was talking about marriage.”

  “It’s as plain as day.”

  “Not to me.”

  “Perhaps not, but it would be to any normal human being. That must be it. Maybe you’re not human. Maybe Mum and Dad didn’t adopt you at all. Maybe they
had you manufactured at the robot works.”

  Just then, an almighty banging sound started up, under our feet.

  “What’s that?”

  Kathy shrugged. “It’s been going on for a few days. It starts about this time, and continues all day.”

  “Does Grandma know about it?”

  “Of course she does. She’d have to be stone deaf not to.”

  “What does she have to say about it?”

  “Nothing. It’s almost as though she already knows what it is.”

  “Has she said as much?”

  “No. When I asked her, she just gave me the brush off as usual. She never tells me anything. That’s another reason I won’t be sorry to see the back of this place.”

  “I suppose I’d better get going. Good luck with the resignation.”

  “Thanks. I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”

  ***

  Mrs V had yet more brochures spread across her desk.

  “Morning, Mrs V.”

  “Morning, dear. What do you think of Seychelles?”

  “I’m not really into all that crustacean stuff. You’d be better speaking to Betty Longbottom; she’s the expert.”

  “Not sea shells. Seychelles. Armi and I have been thinking about our honeymoon.”

  “Oh, right. I’ve never been there. To be honest, I’m not that keen on travelling abroad. It’s too much like hard work, and then there’s all that heat. Oh, by the way, I have some news that might interest you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Kathy is handing in her notice at Ever today. Unless she loses her nerve, that is.”

  “Has she found herself another job?”

  “No. She’s opening her own shop, and you’ll never guess what it’s going to be?”

  “Is it a millinery shop? I’ve often said that Washbridge is poorly served for hats.”

  “No. It’s a bridal shop.”

  That got Mrs V’s attention.

  “Really? How very exciting. When will it open?”

  “I don’t know. They haven’t even found premises yet, but it should be open in plenty of time for you and Armi.”