Witch is How The Dice Fell Read online

  “Thanks for putting my two-leggeds right about the food, Jill.” Lovely was on the fence. “That’s the first decent meal I’ve had since we moved here.”

  “No problem. I’m glad to have been of assistance.”

  “Assistance with what?” Kit came around the corner of his house.

  Oh bum!

  “Err, Jack was just shouting to me.” I pointed to the upstairs bedroom window. “I’ve been helping him to—err—choose which tie to wear for work.”

  “Oh? Does he always do that?”

  “Most days. Jack values my input when it comes to matters sartorial.”

  “Right. By the way, Britt tells me that we have you to thank for getting Lovely to eat again.”

  “It was just a hunch.”

  “She seems to think that it was me who told you about the change of food, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything about it.”

  “Britt must be mistaken. I think she actually told me herself.”

  “Right, well thanks anyway. We were beginning to worry about this little one.” He stroked the cat.

  Lovely purred, and said to me, “Winky told me you could lie for England.”

  “Did I hear you talking to someone out there?” Jack said.

  “Yeah. Lovely and Kit.”

  “Not both at the same time, I hope?”

  “No, but I’ll have to be careful when Lovely’s around. She seems to have taken a shine to me.”

  “She can tell you’re a cat person. Oh, by the way, we might have to get some new cupboards in here.”

  “Why?” I glanced around the kitchen. “What’s wrong with these?”

  “They’re beginning to warp under the weight of all the custard creams.”

  “There you go again. Not being funny.”

  “You just don’t understand my sophisticated sense of humour.”

  “That’s true.”

  “I have an interesting day lined up today. We’ve got one of the country’s leading experts coming in to talk to us about cybercrime. What about you? Have you got anything exciting planned?”

  “Not really. Except that Winky will probably be testing his zip wire. That’s all.”

  “Did you just say zip wire?”

  “I thought I’d told you about it. He and this professor type cat have gone into business together. They’re going to be selling zip wires for cats, or as he insists on calling them: Cat Zip.”

  “Why would a cat need a zip wire?”

  “To get across the road safely of course.”

  Jack rolled his eyes. “It’s so obvious now that you say it.”

  ***

  When I arrived at work, Mrs V was by herself in the office.

  “Morning, Mrs V. No Alistair?”

  “He called a few minutes ago. He’s got a flat tyre, so he’ll be a little late.”

  “Are the two of you starting to gel yet?”

  “Sometimes I think we’re beginning to, but he’s so unpredictable.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “You’ve seen how he is about the clowns. One minute, he can’t stop talking about them, and the next, it’s like he hates them.”

  “That is a bit weird.”

  “It isn’t just that. I made him a cup of tea yesterday morning, and he said the one teaspoon of sugar wasn’t enough, so I added another. In the afternoon, I put two spoonsful in, and he said he couldn’t drink it because he didn’t take sugar in his tea. I’m going to let him put his own in from now on.”

  “You do right. You have enough on without having to pander to people’s weird sugar needs.”

  “Hmm.”

  “It’s not long now until your hula hoop thingy.”

  “It’s a marathon.”

  “Sorry.” A marathon that would last all of five minutes. Snigger.

  “I managed to get in a little practice last night. I wasn’t as rusty as I thought I’d be.”

  “Don’t go overdoing it. You don’t want to burn yourself out before the big day.”

  Just then, the door opened, and in walked Alistair. “Sorry I’m late, Jill. Did Annabel tell you what happened?”

  “Yes, no problem. Did you manage to get the tyre sorted?”

  “Yes. That’s the second new tyre I’ve had to buy this month. That car is costing me a small fortune.” He took something from his coat pocket. “Look what I bought yesterday, Annabel.” He put on a large red nose. “It’s the snozzle25, what do you think of it?”

  “It’s very nice.” Mrs V seemed genuinely impressed, if not a little jealous.

  “Admit it,” Winky said. “You’re starting to have doubts about doliphant boy.”

  “Rubbish. I’m very pleased with him so far.”

  “Really? Even though the guy is sitting out there, wearing a clown’s nose?”

  “We all have our own interests and hobbies.”

  “Except that he doesn’t know if he likes clowns or not. One minute he does, and the next he doesn’t. He’s clearly a whack job.”

  “You’re just picking fault with him.”

  “It’s better than picking my nose. Or whistling.”

  “I’m not discussing this anymore. Alistair is here to stay, so you may as well get used to it. Anyway, shouldn’t you be thinking about your zip wire test?”

  “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s Cat Zip. The professor and his crew will be setting it up this morning. If all goes to schedule, I should be able to test it first thing this afternoon.”

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

  “Never more so.”

  ***

  I wasn’t going to admit it to Winky, but I was a little concerned about some of Alistair’s quirks. Still, it was way too soon to start panicking.

  I’d just finished my bi-weekly paperclip sort when Mrs V came through to my office. Not more Alistair problems, hopefully.

  “Mr Macabre is here.”

  “I’d forgotten he was coming today. Give me a minute and then send him through, would you?”

  “Will do.”

  “Winky, get behind the screen. And keep quiet.”

  “I’m expecting a call from the professor any minute now.”

  “I don’t care. Turn off your phone, and get behind that screen.”

  “This is most inconvenient.”

  “Good morning, Mr Macabre. What brings you here today? I know it can’t be about the sign because that’s all sorted now, as you no doubt saw on your way in.”

  “Unfortunately, Mrs Maxwell, it is indeed about the sign. It’s in contravention of the lease.”

  “No, it isn’t. I replaced the two signs with a single one, as per your request.”

  “You did indeed.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “Clause 32A, sub-section vi, is quite unambiguous.”

  “About what?”

  “The maximum dimensions of the sign that can be displayed. Your sign is two centimetres too wide.”

  “Two centimetres? That’s nothing.” I illustrated the point using my thumb and first finger. “What possible difference can a measly two centimetres make?”

  “It’s the difference between compliance and non-compliance with the terms of your lease, and if you continue to be in non-compliance, I’ll be forced—”

  “Let me guess. To kick me out?”

  “Much as it would distress me to do so.”

  “Okay, I’ll get it sorted.”

  “Excellent. I’ll expect you to be in compliance by the end of next week.”

  “Right. Is there anything else?”

  He sniffed the air. “I thought I caught a whiff of cat?”

  “You’re mistaken. There are no animals in here because that would be against the terms of my lease.”

  “Clause 15D, sub-section ii, to be precise.”

  “Is there anything else?”

  “No, that’s everything. It’s been a pleasure as always, Mrs Maxwell.”

  “Why don’t yo
u just turn that guy into a cockroach?” Winky emerged from behind the screen.

  It wasn’t a bad suggestion.

  ***

  It was time for me to take a look at the Lucky Thirteen casino for myself. Like a lot of casinos, it never closed, but I figured mid-morning would be as quiet a time as any. Although the building was situated on a retail park, it was on the opposite side of the car park from all the shops.

  There was no sign of the huge roulette wheel which had once been mounted on the front of the building alongside the dice. I assumed that it must have been removed after the tragic incident, which had resulted in Kirk Sparks’ untimely death.

  “Morning,” I said to the doorman—a giant of a werewolf.

  “I’m sorry, but you can’t come in.”

  “Are you closed? I thought you were open twenty-four seven?”

  “The casino is open, but you’re not allowed inside.”

  “Why not?”

  “No sups allowed.”

  “That’s outrageous.”

  “I don’t make the rules, love. Sorry, you can’t come in.”

  It would have been a trivial matter to use magic to gain entry, but I elected not to—not yet, at least.

  Even though I hadn’t managed to get inside the casino, I had learned something very interesting. Kirk’s friends were under the impression that he’d been turned away because he’d had too much to drink. Maybe that wasn’t the case. Perhaps it was because he was the only one in the group who was a sup. He obviously wouldn’t have been able to tell his human companions the real reason he’d been refused entry, which is why he fed them the line about the drink. If my hunch was correct, then Bernie too would have had no idea that she was married to a sup, which is why Kirk had been forced to tell her the same lie.

  I checked the restaurants in Candlefield, and sure enough, there was one there called Wonders. That explained why she’d been unable to find any trace of it in the human world.

  ***

  Back at the office, it was business as usual: Mrs V was wearing her earmuffs while knitting clown socks. Alistair was still sporting his clown nose, and whistling some nondescript tune.

  But there was no sign of Winky.

  “Where are you?” I checked behind the screen, but he wasn’t there. “Stop messing around!” There was still no sign of him.

  But then I spotted the machinery that had been attached to the window frame; it was clearly the Cat Zip. On closer investigation, I found that a wire had been installed between my office building and the one opposite. That’s when I saw Winky, standing in the open window of a room on the fourth floor of the building across the road. He was wearing a crash helmet, and a harness.

  He must have seen me too because he waved.

  “This doesn’t look safe!” I yelled.

  He put a paw to his ear and shook his head.

  “Don’t do it!”

  He obviously couldn’t hear a word I said.

  I was still trying to figure out how I could stop him from going through with this insanity when he pushed off from the window sill. I didn’t want to watch, but I seemed to be frozen to the spot.

  To my amazement and relief, all seemed to be going well. Maybe this wasn’t such a crazy idea after all. He was already halfway across. Another few seconds and he’d be safe.

  Snap! The wire broke, and his expression changed from one of exhilaration to one of blind fear, as he plunged towards the ground.

  From that moment, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. A soft-topped lorry was headed this way, but it wouldn’t be level with my building soon enough.

  If I didn’t act quickly, Winky would be splattered across the road.

  The spell wasn’t the most elegant I’d ever cast, but it slowed Winky’s descent long enough for the lorry to reach a spot underneath him. Moments later, he landed on top of the vehicle with a thud.

  Had I done enough? Had the impact still injured him? Or worse?

  As the lorry continued down the road, I hardly dared to look. For the longest moment, he didn’t move, but then, he slowly got to his feet. As the lorry disappeared into the distance, he gave me a little wave.

  Phew!

  I was still standing next to the window when Mrs V came through to my office.

  “Are you alright, Jill? You’re as white as a ghost.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “I didn’t get the chance to ask you earlier. What did Mr Macabre want?”

  “Nothing, it was just a routine catch-up.” There was no way I was going to tell her about the latest issue with the sign. I would handle that without Mr Song this time.

  “Where’s the cat?”

  “Winky? Err, I’m not sure. He must have nipped out.”

  She walked over to the window. “What’s this contraption?”

  Oh bum! “Err, that’s a—err—”

  “There’s a wire hanging from it.”

  “Yes, it’s a fire wire.”

  “A what?”

  “If there’s a fire, I can just slide down the wire.”

  “But we already have a fire escape.”

  “Belt and braces, Mrs V. Belt and braces.”

  Still unconvinced, she left me to it.

  Thank goodness I’d been in the office when Winky made his test run. If I hadn’t, I would have been scraping him off the road. Just think of the mess that would have made of my clothes.

  What? I was only joking. Sheesh!

  I would have worn overalls, obviously.

  Chapter 10

  My phone rang.

  “Hello, Grandma.”

  “It’s an outrage.” Oh no. Had she got wind of the attempted coup at W.O.W? “They’ve raised the price of cockroach crunch. That’s the second time this year.”

  “That’s terrible. Is that the reason you called?”

  “Of course it isn’t. I’ve finalised the marketing plans for your human’s silly convention.”

  “Would it kill you to call him by his name?”

  “What is it again?”

  “You know very well that it’s Jack.”

  “You’d best pop down here, and I’ll run through what I have in mind.”

  “Shouldn’t we wait until Jack can be there too?”

  “That won’t be necessary. I’ll explain it to you, and you can translate it into human-speak.”

  “Okay. When shall I come down?”

  “My bunion lady is due any minute, so give it an hour.”

  “You have a chiropodist?”

  “No, why would I need a chiropodist?”

  “You just said—”

  “That my bunion lady was coming, yes. Rita Greendeer is Candlefield’s leading authority on bunions, and do you know why?”

  “I couldn’t even begin to guess.”

  “I’ll tell you why. Because she’s a specialist. You won’t get corn or verruca treatment from Rita. It’s strictly bunions only.”

  “Yuk, what a job.”

  “Pardon?”

  “Nothing. I’ll come down in about an hour then, shall I?”

  “Yes, but I should warn you that the ointment Rita uses has a rather pungent aroma.”

  “Great. Can’t wait.”

  Alistair popped his head around the door. “Do you have a minute, Jill?”

  “Sure, take a seat.”

  “I just wanted to—” His nose crinkled, and he began to blink.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Err, yeah. It feels like my allergy is coming on, but it can’t be.”

  “Hay fever?”

  “No. I’m allergic to cat fur, but there’s obviously no cat in here.”

  “Actually there is. There’s Winky.”

  “Who?” He sneezed.

  “He’s my cat. He lives in this office.”

  Alistair looked around the room through streaming eyes. “I don’t see him anywhere.”

  “He had to zip out. Don’t you remember? I mentioned him during the interview when you
asked who else I employed.”

  “Oh yes, I remember now.” He sneezed again. “I’m sorry, Jill. Maybe we could do this at my desk later?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  ***

  The Everettes were still blissfully unaware of their yellowness.

  “Hi, Jill.” Julie was all smiles.

  “Hi. Is Grandma alone?”

  “Yes. There was someone with her for a while, but she just left.”

  “That must have been Rita Greendeer.”

  “That’s her. Do you know her?”

  “Only by reputation.”

  “She’s a little strange if you ask me. I said hello to her, and she asked if there was a history of bunions in my family.”

  “That’s kind of her speciality. Bunions, I mean.”

  “How horrible. I sometimes think that this job can be trying, but dealing with people’s bunions all day?”

  “It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?”

  Grandma had not been exaggerating when she said the bunion treatment had a pungent aroma.

  “Can’t we go outside to discuss this, Grandma? That smell is making me feel ill.”

  “I can’t walk anywhere for another hour. I have to give the treatment time to work. Pull up a chair, and stop your moaning.”

  It was my turn to endure watery eyes.

  She continued, “For maximum impact, we’ll stage the promotion a couple of weeks before the event. That seemed to work well for the surfing extravaganza.”

  “Okay. That makes sense.”

  “I suggest we commandeer the high street on the Saturday after next.”

  “We’ll have to get permission to close off the road, I assume?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “What do you have planned?”

  “The marching band was quite popular last time, so we’ll include them again.”

  “Right.”

  “And then I thought a team of jugglers but with a twist.”

  “What kind of twist?”

  “They’ll all be juggling skittles.”

  “They’re actually called pins.” She fixed me with an icy gaze. “Not that it matters. Obviously.”