Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

  “Thanks, Pearl.”

  “If you were visiting a farm, why on earth didn’t you wear wellies?”

  “That’s a very good question.” I took off my shoes and cleaned all the mud off them. “Is it okay to go in now?”

  “Yes, they’re fine. Why don’t you come and meet Jill Maxwell?”

  “Sorry?”

  “I said, come and meet Jill Maxwell.”

  “What are you talking about, Pearl? You’re making even less sense than usual, and I wouldn’t have believed that was possible.”

  “Come inside.” She grinned. “I’ll show you.”

  I followed her into the shop where Amber was behind the counter.

  “I think your sister’s cracking up, Amber,” I said. “Could I get a blueberry muffin and a caramel latte, please?”

  “Sure. Are you here to meet Jill Maxwell?”

  “Don’t you start.” Whatever craziness was going on inside Pearl’s head was clearly contagious.

  Pearl walked to the back of the tea room. “Come over here, Jill.” She gestured to a table which was surrounded by a small crowd of people.

  As I got closer, I could see they were all holding books or posters; they appeared to be waiting for the woman seated at the table to autograph them. I assumed the woman must be a celebrity, but I couldn’t see her face because she was leaning forward, signing a poster.

  Pearl turned to me and said, “Jill Maxwell, meet Jill Maxwell.”

  The woman looked up, and I could see that she bore a remarkable resemblance to me.

  “Excuse me, everyone,” Pearl said. “I’m sorry to interrupt the signing, but I thought you might like to meet this lady.”

  All the people crowded around the table looked up and stared at me.

  “Who is she?” a wizard said.

  “Should we know her?” The witch standing next to him shrugged her shoulders.

  “This is the real Jill Maxwell,” Pearl said.

  They stared at me for a while longer, and then the wizard said, “That’s not the real Jill Maxwell.”

  “She doesn’t look anything like her,” said another witch.

  Then, to my astonishment, they all turned back to the woman seated at the table.

  Somewhat bemused by the encounter, I went to sit at another table. Amber brought over my coffee and muffin, and the twins joined me.

  “That was a bit surreal.” I took a bite of muffin.

  “You have to admit Linda does look a lot like you,” Amber said.

  “You know her?”

  “Yeah. I’m surprised you haven’t come across her before. She’s a full-time lookalike.”

  “Hang on. Are you telling me that she makes her living by looking like me?”

  “Yeah, it appears so.”

  When the autograph hunters had dispersed, Linda walked over to our table. “Is it okay to join you?” She looked a little sheepish.

  “Sure.” I gestured to the seat next to me.

  “It’s such a pleasure to meet you at last, Jill. I’m really sorry about what happened back there. I was so embarrassed. I tried to tell them that you are the real Jill Maxwell, but they wouldn’t believe me.”

  “It’s alright.” I laughed. “It’s actually quite funny. Do you use the ‘doppelganger’ spell to make yourself look like me?”

  “No, I’ve always looked like this.”

  “The twins tell me that you do this for a living.”

  “I do now. I used to work in a sewing factory, making cushions. When you first appeared on the scene, everyone kept telling me how much I looked like you. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but then one day I was having a coffee, and this guy approached me. He owned a talent agency and he asked if I’d like to be signed onto his books. I thought he was joking, but he persisted, and in the end, I decided I didn’t have anything to lose. I assumed I might make some extra pocket money, but pretty soon it turned into a full-time job.”

  “You should pay Jill royalties,” Amber said.

  “I suppose I ought to.” She turned to me. “I could start to send you a percentage of my earnings.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I wouldn’t hear of it.”

  “That’s very kind of you. Incidentally, I have a little girl too. She’s a couple of years older than Florence.”

  “How do you know my daughter’s name?”

  “I’ve made it my business to learn everything I can about you. I find it makes my act more realistic. My daughter’s name is Eliza. It would be lovely if the two of them could meet sometime.”

  “That sounds like a great idea. I can’t wait to see Florence’s face when she meets you. Why don’t you give me your number, Linda, and I’ll give you a call to arrange something?”

  “That would be great, thanks.” She took out her phone and gave me her number. “Sorry, Jill, I have to go because I have a gig in about twenty minutes.”

  ***

  I arrived back at the office just before three o’clock.

  “Is Betty Longbottom still here, Mrs V?”

  “She is. She went out for about half an hour for lunch. Other than that, she and Arthur have been hard at it.”

  “I suppose I ought to go through and find out what the damage is.”

  “Before you do, Jill, I’m afraid I’ve drawn a complete blank with the list of names you gave me. I spoke to everyone on the list, but no one is willing to talk to you. I don’t understand it. I’ve never known such resistance.”

  “Okay, thanks for trying, anyway. Give me the list, and I’ll try to work out what to do.”

  Betty and Arthur had obviously finished working on my books because they were talking about dolphins. The atmosphere certainly seemed cordial, which I hoped was a good sign.

  “Jill, you’re back,” Betty said.

  “I promised I would be. How did it go?”

  “Absolutely fine,” she said. “You have a completely clean bill of health.”

  “I do? I mean, of course, that’s what I expected. I always do my best to make sure that I abide by all current HMRC legislation.”

  “Well, you passed with flying colours.” She picked up her books and put them into her briefcase. “I have another appointment in thirty minutes, so I’d better be off. Thank you again for your assistance, Arthur.”

  “My pleasure, Betty.”

  “Bye, Jill.”

  “Bye, Betty.” And off she trotted. “Arthur, you’re a genius. How did you manage that?”

  “There was nothing to it. Your previous accountant did an excellent job.”

  “But I kept hearing you tutting and saying things like oh dear. I assumed that meant you’d found lots of discrepancies.”

  “Not really. Although Luther Stone did a first-class job, he did miss a few things that I thought you could have claimed back. I pointed them out to Betty, she agreed, and she’s going to issue you with a small rebate.”

  “I’m going to get a rebate?”

  “Don’t get too excited. It’ll be less than a hundred pounds.”

  “Who cares? I was expecting to be landed with a big bill. I’m so grateful to you, Arthur. When you’re ready, I’ll drive you back home.”

  “There’s no need. I’m going to stay in Washbridge for a while.”

  “Are you sure? How will you get home?”

  “I’ll take the bus. I quite enjoy a bus ride. And besides, I want to do a little shopping. I also thought I might check out that coffee shop called Coffee Animal. It sounds quite intriguing.”

  Not long after Arthur had left, Winky came out from under the sofa, stood in the middle of the floor, and began to shake his head.

  “What’s wrong with you now?” I asked.

  “I can’t believe it. You must have bribed her.”

  “Bribed who?”

  “That tax inspector woman of course. It’s the only explanation for why she’d give you a clean bill of health.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I knew my books were in order.”


  “Don’t give me that,” he scoffed. “You were terrified.”

  “Nonsense.”

  “Anyway.” He turned his back to me. “I’m not talking to you.”

  “What have I done now?”

  “You’ve probably ruined my chances with Mimi.” He turned back around. “She got up early especially so we could practise for the fancy dress competition. Then you show up and kick her out.”

  “I explained why she had to leave. Mr Bacus needed to prepare for the tax inspection. I couldn’t have him distracted by a couple of pirate cats. And, anyway, she seemed like a nasty piece of work to me.”

  “Rubbish. Mimi’s a little darling.”

  ***

  As I walked to the car park, I gave Grandma a call.

  “Yes? What is it?” she snapped. “I’m very busy.”

  “So am I. Working on the Miss Drinkwater murder case for you.”

  “Have you found the murderer yet?”

  “Not yet, but I want to interview those two werewolves who are staying at your hotel.”

  “Why do you want to talk to them?”

  “Because I have a witness who saw them having a blazing row with Miss Drinkwater that morning.”

  “Did your witness see them kill her?”

  “Of course not, but I still need to talk to them.”

  “How will it look if I allow you to start interviewing all my guests?”

  “I don’t want to interview all of your guests, just those two werewolves. Either you organise it or I drop the case altogether.”

  “Very well. When?”

  “Jack and I will be taking Florence to her dance class tomorrow morning at ten. I can nip out for a few minutes to speak to them then. Make sure they’re available from ten onwards.”

  “Okay, but don’t go giving them the third degree.”

  ***

  “How did the tax inspection go?” Jack said.

  “Brilliantly. Arthur Bacus is an absolute diamond. Not only did Betty Longbottom give me a clean bill of health, but she’s going to issue me with a small tax rebate.”

  “Really? That’s great. How much?”

  “Don’t get too excited. Arthur said it will be less than a hundred pounds.”

  “Still, it’s better than a kick in the teeth.”

  “It’ll pay for our dinner with Mad and Brad next week. Which reminds me, have you thought about where we should go?”

  “Why don’t we get them to come to Middle Tweaking? They could drop in at the house first and meet Florence, then we could go to The Middle. They do some nice food over there.”

  “That’s not a bad idea. If we go to The Middle, we could have a drink because we won’t be driving. I’ll call Mad later and suggest it. Speaking of Florence, where is she?”

  “Upstairs, practising her dancing for tomorrow.”

  “She doesn’t normally bother practising.”

  “It’s her exam in the morning.”

  “I’d forgotten all about that. Is she nervous?”

  “She doesn’t seem to be. In fact, she sounds quite confident.”

  “That’s because she takes after her mother; we’re both natural dancers.”

  For some unfathomable reason, Jack found that hilarious.

  Chapter 11

  For once, the three of us were having the same thing for breakfast: toast and jam. I’d gone for raspberry, Jack had chosen apricot, and Florence had insisted on her favourite, strawberry. Most mornings, we had to cajole Florence to hurry up because she could be glacially slow eating her breakfast. Not this morning, though, because she’d finished her second slice of toast while Jack and I were still on our first.

  “Is it okay if I go upstairs to practise my dancing, Mummy?”

  “Of course, darling. You’ve got an hour or so before we go.”

  “Okay.” She got down from the table and dashed upstairs.

  “Florence is very keen, isn’t she?” Jack said.

  “It’s probably because she has that exam today.”

  That morning, Jack and I both took Florence to the dance class. After we’d been there for a few minutes, I told Jack that I needed to nip to the hotel to interview the two werewolves.

  “You’ll miss Florence’s exam.”

  “No, I won’t. I’ve just checked the schedule, and she’s the last one on.”

  “Okay, but make sure you’re not late. She’ll be upset if you aren’t here to watch her.”

  “I’ll be back.”

  “Was that supposed to be your Arnie impression?”

  “It was good, wasn’t it?”

  “No, not really.” He laughed. “You sounded more like Elmer Fudd.”

  I hurried out of the village hall, and over to the hotel, where the receptionist clearly recognised me.

  “Mrs Millbright said to expect you. She told me to ask you to go to the Thunder Room. It’s the one directly behind you. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  The so-called Thunder Room was just a meeting room with a table and half a dozen chairs in it. The decor was all red and black and if I’m honest, a little overpowering. I’d just taken a seat when Grandma walked in.

  “Where are the two werewolves?” I said.

  “They’ll be here in a moment. What are you planning on saying to them?”

  “Maybe I’ll give them the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects that.”

  “Don’t try to be clever, Jill. I don’t want you interrogating them.”

  “You can sit in on the interview if you don’t trust me.”

  “I’m far too busy.” She started for the door. “They’ll be with you in a couple of minutes.”

  “Grandma, I suppose a cup of tea would be out of the question, would it?”

  “You’re right, it would.” And with that, she disappeared out of the door.

  A couple of minutes later, the two werewolves joined me. Surprisingly, they both seemed rather nervous.

  “Hi, my name’s Desmond.” He shook my hand. Fortunately, I’d had the good sense to cast the ‘power’ spell, otherwise I might have ended up with a couple of broken fingers.

  “Hi, I’m Dolly.” Her grip was almost as strong.

  “Please take a seat. Did my grandmother tell you why I wanted to speak to you both?”

  “Yes, she did, but we didn’t have anything to do with the lady’s death,” Desmond said.

  “I’m not suggesting you did, but I understand that you had a blazing row with Miss Drinkwater that morning.”

  “We did,” Dolly said. “But only because she was being totally unreasonable. We were just sitting there, eating our breakfast, when she came over and tore into us.”

  “I understood you were being a bit rowdy.”

  “We definitely weren’t being rowdy,” he said. “We were just talking and having a laugh. Perhaps we were a little loud, but nothing out of the ordinary.”

  “That’s right,” Dolly agreed. “It wasn’t like there were any other customers in there, so we weren’t disturbing anyone. That woman came storming over, thumped the table, and told us to be quiet. Who goes off like that?”

  “What did you do?”

  “I told her she was being unreasonable,” Desmond said. “And that she should leave us alone. With hindsight, that was clearly a mistake because it made her even madder. She said we had to leave, so I told her where she could shove her breakfast and we walked out.”

  “Did you pay?”

  “Yes, although I don’t know why, after the way we were treated.”

  “How was Miss Drinkwater when you left?”

  “She was red in the face and looked as though she might explode at any moment, but other than that, she was fine.”

  “Where did you go after you left?”

  “We took a walk around the village, then out into the countryside, and came back to the hotel for lunch.”

  “Okay. Thank you for talking to me today. How long are you staying in Middle Tweaking?”<
br />
  “We leave today. We would have left already but your grandmother said that you wanted to speak to us.”

  “I appreciate you staying on. Thanks again for your help.”

  I had a few questions I wanted to ask Grandma, but that would have to wait because Florence’s exam was in five minutes’ time.

  When I got back to the village hall, Florence had just been called from her seat.

  “I didn’t think you were going to make it,” Jack said.

  “No way I was going to miss this.”

  The dance teacher nodded to the woman at the piano. As she started to play, Florence began her little routine, which I’d seen her practise a dozen times. It was short and very simple. So simple in fact, that even I could have done it.

  What? I’ll have you know I could have been a ballerina if I’d put my mind to it.

  The whole routine lasted less than three minutes and as far as I could tell, Florence had not put a foot wrong. When she’d finished, the dance teacher told her to go back to her seat. Florence came running over, full of smiles, and sat next to me.

  “Was I good, Mummy?”

  “You were very good, darling.”

  “Do you think I’ll pass the exam?”

  “I think there’s every likelihood you will.”

  The dance teacher disappeared out of the room for fifteen minutes. When she returned, she called for silence.

  “The examinations are now complete. I will call out the names of the successful students one at a time. If I call your name, please come forward to receive your certificate. Parents, we’ll be sending you a form, which you need to return with your payment for the medals.”

  She worked her way through the list, calling each girl to come forward. I was just starting to panic that Florence might have missed out when her name was called. Florence shot out of her chair and rushed over to collect her certificate.

  “Look, Mummy! Look, Daddy! I passed.”

  “Well done, pumpkin.” Jack gave her a kiss on her forehead.

  “Congratulations, darling,” I said. “You did really well.”

  The dance teacher called for silence again. “That concludes today’s examinations. We’ll see you all next Saturday at the usual time for our regular classes.”