Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

  “Where are you taking the cat?” Mrs V said, as we walked through the outer office.

  “Err, he has to go to the vet for his flea treatment.”

  “Not before time. I’ve been doing a lot of scratching recently. I suspect I’ve got fleas from him.”

  “How dare she!” Winky snapped.

  Ignoring him, I continued towards the door. “Right, Mrs V, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Winky was still grumbling as we made our way down the stairs. “How dare the old bag lady say I’ve got fleas?”

  “Never mind that now. Where is this contest, anyway?”

  “I’ll give you directions once we’re in the car.”

  I placed the costumes in the car boot, and then put the cat basket on the front seat next to me. I was just about to start the car when Winky said, “Hold on!”

  “What is it now?”

  “You need to learn the pirate song.”

  “Sorry?”

  “I said you need to learn the pirate song for the contest.”

  “You never mentioned anything about a pirate song. You told me it was a fancy dress competition.”

  “Are you sure? I thought I’d mentioned it.”

  “No, I would definitely have remembered. How am I supposed to learn it now?”

  “Don’t worry. It’s really simple. I’ve got it on my phone. Listen to it a few times, and then we’ll sing along together.”

  “I’m not sure I want to sing in front of an audience.”

  “Come on, Jill. Only the other day, you were telling me what a fantastic singer you are.”

  “It’s true. I do have a good voice.”

  “Right, then. Let’s get on with it.”

  As soon as we were under way, Winky took out his phone and began to play the pirate song. Thankfully, it really was very simple.

  Winky sang solo the first three times while I tried to memorise the lyrics.

  “You join in this time,” he said.

  “Okay, I’ll try.”

  “On three. One, two, three.”

  “I’m a pirate on the high seas. I don’t care about the law. I sail near and far and do just as I please. The pirate life for me. Oh, the pirate life for me.”

  “Very good.” Winky nodded his approval. “I think you’ve got it.”

  Just then, the glove compartment popped open, and Henry stuck his head out. “What’s that awful noise, Jill?”

  “I was singing the pirate song.”

  “Please stop. It’s giving me a headache.”

  “Get back inside there, you.” Winky slammed the glove compartment closed.

  Poor old Henry. That would be another bruise on his head.

  By the time we arrived at the hall where the contest was to be held, I was more or less word perfect on the awful pirate song.

  “Where do we go?” I said, as we got out of the car.

  “Around the back.” Winky jumped out of the basket. “Hurry up, we don’t have much time.”

  There were two huge cats standing guard on the basement door.

  “Hi, Bomber.” Winky nodded to one of them.

  “Hey, Winky. What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here for the contest. More to the point, what are you doing here?”

  “I work for Felix Security these days. They’ve got us guarding this place. I’m not sure why, though, it’s not like anybody’s going to break in.” He glanced at me. “Who’s your two-legged friend?”

  “This is Jill.”

  “She can’t come in. It’s felines only, Winky. You know that.”

  “It’s alright, Bomber. She’s a witch. She’ll turn herself into a cat once we’re inside.”

  Bomber hesitated for a moment, but then waved us through. “Okay, but only because it’s you, Winky.”

  Once we were inside, Winky pulled me into a small room.

  “Come on, then. Do your magic. Turn yourself into a cat.”

  “Turn around first.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have to take my clothes off.”

  “Hurry up, then.” He turned his back.

  I magicked myself into a cat and slipped on the costume. “Okay, you can turn around now.”

  “You look good.” He nodded his approval. “All you have to do now is to learn the dance.”

  “What dance?”

  “The pirate dance, obviously.”

  “We have to sing and dance?”

  “You don’t think they’d put up this kind of prize money for us to just stand on stage and look pretty, do you?”

  “That’s exactly what I thought because that’s what you told me.”

  “Come on, there’s nothing to it. It’s barely a dance at all. More like a jig.”

  “A jig is a dance.”

  He took out his phone and played a video of himself and Mimi dancing.

  “See! Didn’t I tell you it was simple?”

  He was right. There was nothing to the dance, just a few steps to the left and then to the right.

  “I’m still not sure about this, Winky.”

  “Just think of the prize money. Come on. I’ll play it again and we can sing and dance along.” He pressed play, and I did my best to follow what Mimi was doing on-screen, but I kept getting my left and right mixed up.

  “Concentrate, Jill, or we’ll never win.”

  “I’m doing my best.”

  We ran through the routine another five times, by which time, I’d more or less got the hang of it.

  “That’ll have to do,” he said. “Let’s go and join the others.”

  The spectators were seated in the centre and left-hand sections of the auditorium; all the competitors were seated in the right-hand section.

  The first couple called onto the stage were Joshua and Jordan.

  “These are the favourites,” Winky whispered. “This is who we need to beat.”

  “I don’t think much of their costumes,” I said, and then glanced around to check out the other competitors. “Our costumes are the best by far.”

  “I know. We have this in the bag as long as you don’t mess up the song and dance routine.”

  No pressure, then.

  In total, there were ten couples competing. According to the draw, Winky and I would be the last ones to go on stage. By the time I’d watched all the others, I was feeling much more confident. Most of the singing had been abysmal, and at least three of the couples had messed up their dance routines.

  The MC took to the mic. “Our final couple is Winky and Mimi. Please welcome them on stage.”

  “Why is he calling me Mimi?”

  “I didn’t get around to changing the entry form. Come on. And don’t let me down.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve got this,” I reassured him.

  Once the music started, we began to sing and dance. I was growing more and more confident because my voice was clearly much better than those who’d gone before. Our dance routine was perfect, and I was starting to count the prize money.

  But then, disaster struck!

  As we came to the last few bars of the routine, I stepped left when I should have stepped right, causing me to bump into Winky and fall off the stage. Slightly dazed, I looked up to see Winky glaring down at me.

  “How very unlucky,” the MC said. “And it had been going so well too.”

  We drove back from the contest in silence. Winky hadn’t spoken a word since we’d come off the stage. He hadn’t even asked how I was feeling after my fall. Fortunately, I wasn’t hurt at all, except for my pride.

  When we pulled up outside the office building, I opened the car door for him.

  “I’m sorry about the contest, Winky.”

  “It’s my own fault,” he snapped. “I should have known better than to ask you, with your two left feet.”

  “That’s a bit unfair. I was doing really well right up to the last minute.”

  “I’m going inside.” He jumped out of the car and disappeared into the buil
ding.

  That would be the last time I volunteered to help that ungrateful so-and-so.

  ***

  When I arrived home, Jack met me at the door.

  “How did it go?”

  “Don’t even ask.”

  “That bad, eh?”

  “Where’s Florence?”

  “She was really tired, so she went to bed a few minutes early. She was asleep before I’d finished the first page of her story.”

  “That’s a shame. I was really looking forward to seeing her. I thought she might cheer me up.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to tell me about the contest?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Did you take a photograph of yourself in your pirate outfit?”

  “No, I told you I wouldn’t.”

  “Oh dear.”

  “Oh dear, what?”

  “I kind of promised Florence that you would. She said she was really looking forward to seeing it in the morning.”

  “Why did you go and do that?”

  “I just assumed Winky would take photos. She’s going to be really disappointed. I don’t suppose—”

  “What?”

  “Do you have the costume with you?”

  “It’s in the car.”

  “If you were to put it on, I could take a photo of you, and we could pretend it had been taken at the contest.”

  “I—err—”

  “Florence is going to be really disappointed otherwise.”

  “Oh, okay then.”

  I hurried out to the car, grabbed the costume, took it upstairs to our bedroom, turned myself into a cat, and then put it on.

  “Wow. You look great.” He grinned.

  “Just take the photograph, will you?”

  I did my best to look cheerful while he snapped the photo. “Got it?”

  “Yeah. Florence will love this.”

  “What’s for supper?” I took the costume off and reversed the cat spell.

  “Are you really hungry?”

  “I’m starving.”

  “I thought maybe we could stay up here and mess around for a while.”

  “You thought wrong.”

  Chapter 21

  The next morning when I came down for breakfast, Jack and Daddy’s girl were already at the kitchen table, tucking into their bowls of muesli. I was convinced those two only pretended to like that awful stuff just to annoy me.

  “Would you like me to pour you some, Jill?” Jack picked up the muesli box.

  “No thanks, I’m going to stick to my own cereal.”

  “But, Mummy, Chococandy Pops are bad for you. They rot your teeth. Daddy said so.”

  “Did he now?” I shot Jack a look. “Maybe I’ll just have toast instead.”

  This is what my life had come to. I was being told what I could and couldn’t eat by my five-year-old daughter, aided and abetted by my muesli-loving husband.

  Once I had my toast, I joined them at the table. “I’ve got something to show you, Florence.”

  “Is it a caterpillar?”

  “Err, no.”

  “I like caterpillars. They’re furry and they walk really funny.”

  “It’s not a caterpillar.”

  “I saw two caterpillars at school yesterday. Wendy says she saw three, but I don’t believe her.”

  “Right, okay. Anyway, I’ve got a photograph to show you.”

  “Is it a photograph of a caterpillar?”

  “It’s got nothing to do with caterpillars. Do you remember last night when Daddy said that I was going to bring you a photograph to look at? Well, here it is.”

  “Is that really you as a cat, Mummy?”

  “Yes, darling, it is.”

  “I like your pirate costume.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Did you win the contest?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  “Did you come second?”

  “Not quite.”

  “Where did you come, Mummy?”

  “I forget, but it wasn’t first or second.”

  “Can I keep this photograph?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “Can I show it to my friends at school?”

  “You can, but you mustn’t tell them that I’m the cat.”

  “Thank you for giving me this, Mummy, it’s a lovely surprise.”

  “A surprise? I thought Daddy told you that I was going to bring you a photograph?” I glanced at Jack who was grinning inanely.

  “Daddy said you wouldn’t be able to take any photos.”

  “He did, did he?” I glared at him.

  “I want to turn myself into a cat,” Florence said. “I’m going to learn that spell.”

  “It’s very complicated. It might be too difficult for you.”

  “But I’m really good at magic. Great-Grandma said so. I’m going to learn it after school.”

  “Okay, but you mustn’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t work out.”

  “Is it alright to go and play with Buddy now that I’ve finished my breakfast?” She held up her empty bowl.

  “Okay, but only until it’s time to get ready for school.”

  As soon as she’d gone outside, I turned on Jack. “You said you’d promised her that I’d have a photograph to show her this morning.”

  “Okay, I admit it. I just wanted to see you as a cat, dressed as a pirate.”

  “You are a very sick man.”

  “But you love me anyway.”

  “Hmm. You never told me how it went with Oscar yesterday.”

  “It was purgatory. He spent half an hour criticising the way I’d arranged my stamps, and told me that I’d need to start again.”

  I laughed. “Serves you right.”

  “You’ve not heard the best of it. He wants me to go to StampCon with him. It’s in a couple of weeks.”

  “I hope you told him you’d go.”

  “I didn’t really have any choice. I thought we’d seen the back of cons after we left Tony and Clare behind in Smallwash.”

  “It’ll be fun.”

  “You can come with us if you like.”

  “I’d love to, but I have to cut my toenails that day.”

  “Oscar also mentioned that there’s a new stamp shop opening somewhere in Washbridge.”

  “I know. It’s in what used to be the Cheese Hole, and it opens on Saturday.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Do you remember Norman, AKA Mastermind?”

  “You mean the guy who has the bottle top shop on the high street?”

  “Yeah. I bumped into him yesterday and it turns out he’s sold his shop.”

  “Who on earth would want to buy that?”

  “Apparently, he was bought out by a major chain of bottle top shops. According to him, they paid him enough to retire on.”

  “So how come he’s opening another shop?”

  “Seems he’s bored, and he’s always had an interest in stamp collecting.”

  “I’ve no doubt Oscar will want to drag me in there.”

  “You’ll never guess what the shop is going to be called.”

  “Norman’s Stamps?”

  How did he do that?

  ***

  It was time to go to work, so I went outside to say goodbye to my darling daughter.

  “Florence, I’m going to work now. Come and give me a kiss.”

  She came running over, gave me a hug, and planted a big sloppy kiss on my lips.

  “Bye, Mummy.”

  “Don’t forget that if you show anyone that photograph, you mustn’t tell them that Mummy was the cat.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “Is Buddy playing nicely?”

  “No, he just keeps looking at that tree. He won’t play with me.”

  I glanced up to see what the dog was staring at. And that’s when I saw it. That same squirrel was eyeballing me again.

  “Shoo! Go away!” I waved my arms around to try and spook it, but it took
no notice.

  “What are you doing, Mummy?”

  “I’m trying to scare off that squirrel. Can’t you see it?”

  She took a few steps back to get a better look. “I can see it now. I think squirrels are cute. Do you think he’ll come down and play with me?”

  “Not while Buddy’s here, he won’t.”

  “He might play with me after school.”

  “He might, but don’t get your hopes up because squirrels are very shy creatures. Anyway, I have to go now.” I took one last look up at the tree where that nutty squirrel was still watching me.

  I was half-way down the drive when I suddenly felt something land on both of my shoulders. Edna was perched on one, and Irene was on the other.

  “You two really do have to stop doing that. Couldn’t you have just landed on the gate?”

  “Where would be the fun in that?” Edna chuckled.

  “We have to get our laughs where we can,” Irene said.

  “You really shouldn’t visit me out in the open where someone might see you.”

  They both glanced around. “There’s no one here, Jill. It’s just us.”

  “Fair enough. Do you have something to report?”

  “I most certainly do,” Edna said.

  “Me too.” Irene nodded. “I think you’re going to be very interested to hear what I have to tell you.”

  “Go on then, ladies. What are you waiting for?”

  “I don’t think so.” Edna shook her head.

  “What do you mean? Why not?”

  “No report until we get paid.”

  “I’ve never had to pay in advance before.”

  “Times are hard. Needs must.”

  “I don’t have any biscuits with me.”

  “You’d better go back into the house and get some, then.”

  “I can’t. I ate the last custard cream last night, and I know we don’t have any ginger nuts.”

  “In that case, you’ll just have to wait for the reports. Come on, Irene.”

  “Wait. I need those reports.”

  “No biscuits. No reports.”

  “Okay, I’ll nip to the store and see if they have any. Will you two wait here?”

  “We’ve got better things to do than hang around here all day,” Edna said. “Irene and I will go for a coffee, and we’ll meet you at your office in an hours’ time. How’s that?”

  “Okay. I’ll see you then.”

  Why was nothing ever straightforward?