Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

  “But Wendy’s not a human, silly billy.”

  “No, but the other children in your class are, and they might overhear you.”

  “Can Wendy come to see the unicorn with me?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll have to see what Ursula says.”

  “Will you tell her that I love unicorns more than anything else in the whole wide world?”

  “I will. I promise. Now, why don’t you go out in the garden and play with Buddy?”

  “Okay.”

  Once she was outside, I turned my gaze on Jack. “Thanks for dropping me in it.”

  “Sorry, the words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.”

  “You do realise that she’s going to keep pestering now until she gets to see that unicorn.”

  “Couldn’t you just use the ‘forget’ spell on her?”

  “No, I couldn’t. I would never use the ‘forget’ spell on my own daughter. What do you take me for?”

  “But it’s okay to use it on your husband?”

  “Don’t be so sensitive. And besides, I haven’t used it on you since we were married.”

  “That’s what you tell me, but how do I know it’s true?”

  “Would I lie to you?”

  ***

  Although I didn’t have an appointment, I decided to call on my new accountant, Mr Bacus, in the hope that I’d catch him in. I wanted to talk to him about the upcoming tax inspection that Betty ‘the snake’ Longbottom had dropped on me.

  As I walked by the church, I spotted a squirrel, high up in the tree; those evil eyes of his seemed to be following my every step. What was it about squirrels that made them go nuts like that? I half expected to be hit on the head by an acorn, but he seemed content simply to observe me. Maybe I had just become a little paranoid where squirrels were concerned.

  I rang Mr Bacus’ doorbell and waited, but there was no response. I tried again, but still got no response. I’d just started back down the path when the door opened behind me.

  “Sorry, Jill,” Mr Bacus said. “I was in my brewery.”

  “Brewery?”

  “Home brewed beer. It’s a hobby of mine. I brew it in the basement. Would you care to try some?”

  “It’s a bit early for me, Arthur.”

  “I’ll give you a couple of bottles to take away. You and your husband can try them later and let me know what you think.”

  “Okay. Thanks very much.”

  “Go and take a seat in the office while I nip downstairs to get the beer.”

  “Right.”

  I’d only been seated for a couple of minutes when Mr Bacus returned, with a bottle of beer in each hand.

  “Thanks. I see you even have your own labels.”

  “If something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well, don’t you think?”

  “Absolutely. Bacus Kick? That sounds like it might be strong.”

  “It is. Very.” He grinned. “But I think you’ll like it.”

  “How much do I owe you for these?”

  “Don’t be silly. Call them samples. If you like it, you can buy some more.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Did we have an appointment today, Jill? I don’t have anything in my diary and you’re not due to bring your books in yet.”

  “No. I came over because I’ve just been notified that I’m going to have a tax inspection on Friday.”

  “How long have you known about it?”

  “I only found out yesterday.”

  “They normally give you more notice than that unless—” He hesitated.

  “Unless what?”

  “Unless they suspect there’s something amiss. Is there any reason they should?”

  “Err—I—err, no.”

  “You don’t sound too sure.”

  “I’ve not done anything dishonest, but you know what these tax inspectors are like. They’ll always find something. Especially someone like Betty.”

  “Betty?”

  “Betty Longbottom. She’s a friend of mine, or at least I thought she was.”

  “Is she the one carrying out the inspection?”

  “Yes. I was hoping you’d agree to be there when she comes. I’m sure you’ll be able to handle her questions better than I would.”

  “This Friday you said. What time?”

  “Ten o’clock.”

  “Let me just check my diary. Friday? You’re in luck. I don’t have any appointments that day. Where exactly are your offices, Jill?”

  “In Washbridge City Centre, at the top of the High Street.”

  “I don’t normally do on-site visits these days, but it’s a while since I’ve been to Washbridge and there are a few things I need to get, so why not?”

  “That’s great. What do you need from me?”

  “I’ll need your accounts for the last few years, and I think it would be a good idea if I go in early on Friday. You’ll need to give me a lift because I don’t have a car.”

  “No problem. What time were you thinking?”

  “The earlier the better. How about we set off at six o’clock?”

  “Six?”

  “Is that too early for you?”

  “Err, no. Six will be fine.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you on Friday morning.”

  “Right, and thanks for the beer.”

  As I walked back through the village, I noticed a new A-board outside Tweaking Tea Rooms. Clearly, Miss Drinkwater had taken my advice to up her game because the board was promoting her afternoon teas.

  Afternoon tea from Tweaking Tea Rooms. With over 30 years’ experience.

  Do not accept inferior imitations from FIRST TIME amateurs.

  Oh dear. If Grandma saw that, she would go ballistic, but there was nothing I could do about it, so I walked on by. I’d not gone much further when I bumped into Barbara Babble.

  She glanced at the beer in my hands and said, “It’s a little early for that isn’t it, Jill?”

  “I—err—Mr Bacus gave me these. They’re his homebrew.”

  “I see.”

  “By the way, Barbara, I thought you should know that the Stock sisters and the vicar aren’t romantically involved. They’re actually cousins.”

  “Is that what they told you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you fell for it? You have a lot to learn about the people in this village, Jill. Anyway, I must be going because I need to pick up my prescription. Don’t drive after you’ve drunk those, will you?”

  ***

  As I walked from the car park to the office, I happened to glance up and I spotted something fluttering in the breeze. There was a flagpole hanging out of my office window, and from it was flying a skull and crossbones flag.

  I was going to kill that cat!

  I sprinted up the stairs and into the outer office.

  “Jill,” Mrs V said. “Why do you have a skull and crossbones flag flying from your window? I don’t think it projects a very good impression to would-be clients.”

  “There’s been some kind of mistake, Mrs V. Don’t worry. I’m going to sort it out.”

  Winky was sitting on the sofa, dressed in his pirate outfit. “Ahoy, Matey.”

  “Don’t matey me!” I snapped. “Why is that flag flying from my window?”

  “It looks great, don’t you think?”

  “No, I do not think. What sort of impression is that going to give to people?”

  “They’ll think you’re cool.”

  “I don’t want them to think I’m cool. I want them to take me seriously as a private investigator.”

  He laughed. “I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but that particular boat sailed a long time ago.”

  “I want that flag taken down and I want it taken down now.”

  “Can’t I at least leave it up until after the fancy dress competition?”

  “No, you can’t. Either you take it down or I’ll throw the flagpole and flag out of the window.”

  “Ok
ay, okay. You’re such a spoilsport.”

  An hour later, Winky had taken down the skull and crossbones flag, but not without much moaning and groaning.

  Mrs V popped her head around the door. “Jill, I have Mr Blaze and Mrs Daze to see you.”

  “Right. Send them in, would you?”

  “Are you sure? They’re wearing catsuits.”

  “Positive.”

  “As you wish.”

  Daze marched into the office with Blaze a few steps behind her.

  “Good morning, you two. Can I get Mrs V to make you a drink?”

  “No thanks, Jill,” Daze said. “We’re really busy at the moment, but we thought it important that we pop in and talk to you.”

  “I wouldn’t mind a drink,” Blaze said.

  “There isn’t time!” Daze slapped him down.

  “Is something wrong?” I said.

  “I’m afraid there is, and I’m sorry to have to tell you it concerns your grandmother.”

  “She’s okay, isn’t she? I only saw her a little while ago.”

  “She’s fine. I’m talking about that hotel of hers.”

  “You’ve heard about it, then?”

  “We couldn’t fail to. It’s all the gossip in Candlefield. There’s even been a feature in The Candle newspaper. Were you aware that she’s targeting her advertising at sups who have never been to the human world before?”

  “I didn’t know until after the hotel had actually opened, and I only realised then when I noticed the sudden influx of sups into the village.”

  “Your grandmother has done some pretty outrageous things in her time, but this one takes the biscuit. When a sup visits the human world for the first time, there’s always the possibility that something might go wrong. For her to invite them en-masse to the same hotel, in the same village, is just asking for trouble.”

  “I know. When I found out what she was up to, I tried to persuade her to change her mind, but she wasn’t having any of it. I did at least convince her to issue all of her new guests with information packs, to tell them how they should behave in the human world.”

  “That’s something, I guess, but I doubt it will be enough. I have a horrible feeling this is going to end badly.”

  “Me too, but I’m not sure what I can do about it.”

  “There’s nothing much you can do. This is more by way of a courtesy call to let you know that we’ll be keeping a close eye on your village. Please tell your grandmother that if things start to go pear-shaped, we’ll be forced to take drastic action.”

  “I’ll have another word with her. And I really do appreciate the heads-up.”

  Daze and Blaze stood up and were about to leave when I said, “Hey, Daze, what happened to that photo you promised me? Of you in a dress at the awards ceremony?”

  “Don’t talk to me about the awards ceremony!” She stormed out of the office without another word.

  “What did I say, Blaze?”

  “Didn’t you hear what happened at the awards?”

  “No. What did happen?”

  “Daze went up to collect her award, but then as she was about to leave the stage, the compere inadvertently trod on her dress and it ripped open at the back.”

  “Oh no. How bad was it?”

  “Very bad. It was gaping wide open, showing everyone her undies. And, of course, all of the press were there to capture the moment for posterity. The photo was in The Candle.”

  “Poor Daze. No wonder she isn’t very happy.”

  Chapter 4

  The offices of the Double Take Agency made mine look palatial. It had taken a while to find them because they were in a building which, at first glance, looked like it had been abandoned. It was only on closer inspection that I realised that, although the offices on the ground floor had been boarded up, there were still some businesses operating out of the first floor.

  “Hi, welcome to the Double Take Agency.” The woman behind the desk who had bright yellow hair, was wearing a pink scarf, a pink dress and pink fingerless gloves. “I’m Maggie. You must be Jill Maxwell.”

  “That’s right. I’m here to see Rock.”

  “He told me to expect you. He’s just on a call at the moment. Would you like a drink while you wait?”

  “Could I get a glass of water, please?”

  “Sure. I’ll go and get it for you.”

  She’d no sooner left the room than I heard a little yap from behind the desk, and a Chihuahua appeared at my feet. For a horrible moment, I thought Buddy had somehow managed to follow me, but then I realised it was a lady dog.

  “Hi,” she said. “I’m Celeste. Who are you?”

  “Hi, Celeste. I’m Jill.”

  “Can you pick me up and put me on the desk, please?”

  “I’m not sure if I should. Are you allowed to go on there?”

  “Oh yes. Maggie doesn’t mind.”

  “Okay, then.” I picked her up, put her on the desk, and gave her a stroke. Her little tail was wagging ten to the dozen. Such a friendly little dog. Why couldn’t Buddy be more like her?

  She sniffed at my hand. “I can smell Chihuahua on you.”

  “That’s my dog; his name is Buddy.”

  “Why didn’t you bring him with you?”

  “I can’t. Not when I’m working.”

  It was only then I realised Maggie had returned with my glass of water. Judging by her puzzled expression, she’d heard me talking to the dog.

  “I was just getting to know Celeste,” I said, by way of explanation.

  “How did you know her name?”

  Oh bum!

  “I—err—must have seen it on her name tag.”

  “She isn’t wearing one. She lost her collar at the weekend.”

  “Oh? She just looks like a Celeste.”

  “Right?” Maggie handed me the water. “And why are you on this desk, Celeste?” She picked up the dog and put her back on the floor. “You know you’re not allowed on there.”

  Rock appeared through the door to my right. “Jill, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.”

  “No problem.”

  “I’ve brought in three of my lookies for you to talk to. Feel free to ask them any questions you like. They know why you’re here, so you can be completely open with them.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  “Before you do, though, would you come through to my office for a minute?”

  “Sure.”

  His office was tiny or maybe it just looked that way because of the huge desk that filled the room. He took a sheet of paper out of the top drawer and handed it to me.

  “This is a list of all the bookings that were cancelled within the last month. Quite a few, as you can see.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Okay, let’s go and meet my superstars.”

  We left his office and walked along the corridor to another door. Waiting for us in the other room, were two men and a woman.

  “Guys, this is Jill Maxwell, the private investigator I told you about. I want you to answer all of Jill’s questions, fully and honestly. Don’t hold anything back. Understood?”

  They all nodded.

  Rock turned back to me. “So, Jill, how does it feel to be in the presence of so many celebrities?”

  When Rock had told me I was to meet some of his lookies, I’d expected to recognise at least one of them, but I was wrong. They didn’t look like any celebrity that I knew of, but I figured I’d better play along.

  “It’s quite intimidating,” I said.

  “There’s another small office through there.” He pointed to a door at the other side of the room. “You can use that to speak to everyone individually.”

  “Great.”

  “Can I leave you to it, Jill?”

  “Sure.” I turned to the lookies. “Would you come through one at a time, please.”

  There was a table, four chairs, and nothing else in the small office. I’d just sat down when the first lookie walked in. The young man had jet bla
ck hair that was plastered back.

  “Take a seat. What’s your name please?”

  “Can’t you guess, sweetheart?” I think he was going for an American accent, but it sounded more like Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

  “Err, sorry. It’s on the tip of my tongue.”

  “Leroy Dulce of course.”

  “Of course. Just remind me, what movies has Leroy Dulce been in?”

  “Leroy Dulce isn’t a movie star. He’s a pop star.”

  “Oh. You mean that Leroy Dulce. Sorry, I was getting mixed up with the other, lesser known, Leroy Dulce. What’s your given name?”

  “Norbert Knowles.”

  “Which would you prefer I call you today?”

  “Everyone calls me Leroy.”

  “Leroy it is, then. How long have you been on Double Take’s books?”

  “Coming up for two years now. I don’t know if Rock mentioned it to you, but I’m the most popular lookie on his books. And, strictly between you and me, I get paid a higher rate than the others.”

  “Your secret is safe with me. Have any of your bookings been cancelled recently, Leroy?”

  “Yes, three in the last month. I was relieved when Rock told me he was going to bring you in because this is beginning to hit me in my pocket.”

  “Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against the agency?”

  “You need look no further than Ruby Red out there.” He gestured to the door.

  “Ruby Red?”

  “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of her either?”

  “Of course I have.” Not. “What makes you think she might have something to do with it?”

  “I’d have thought that was obvious. Jealousy.”

  “Jealous of who?”

  “Me of course. She can’t bear that I get more bookings than she does.”

  “Right. And if it isn’t Ruby, is there anyone else you can think of?”

  “It is Ruby.” He hesitated. “Unless—no, it couldn’t be.”

  “Go on.”

  “Mandy Rhinestone.”

  “I assume she’s another of the lookies on the books here?”

  “Not any longer. Rock let her go, and good riddance too.”

  “Was there some kind of problem?”

  “She’d got way too big for her boots. She used to turn up late for gigs, and at least once, to my knowledge, she was a total no-show. The last I heard, she was trying to negotiate a contract with a different lookalike agency. Rock found out about it and kicked her out.”