Witch Is Where Squirrels Go Nuts (Witch P.I. Mystery Book 39) Read online

“Mr Ivers?”

  ***

  Was I cursed? That was the only explanation I could come up with. How else did Mr Ivers keep turning up in my life? When I’d moved from my apartment to live in Smallwash, I thought I’d left the annoying little man behind, but then he’d followed me there. Since we’d moved to Middle Tweaking, and I no longer had to use the toll bridge, I’d enjoyed Ivers-free days, and that was a sweet feeling. Grandma must have done this deliberately, just to annoy me.

  At first, I couldn’t understand how Mr Ivers could be surrounded by sups all day without realising it, but Grandma had explained she’d come up with a potion that caused him to see all of the guests as humans.

  That woman was so devious.

  As I drove to the office, I was still fuming about the reappearance of Ivers. I’d only travelled a few miles when Henry poked his head out of the glove compartment.

  “Why don’t you have the radio on, Jill?”

  “In a minute. I have a bone to pick with you first.”

  “Oh?”

  “Who was that in there with you the other day?”

  “That was my girlfriend, Henrietta.”

  “Where did she come from?”

  “She lives in the boot.”

  “Of my car?”

  “Yes. She used to live in a Volkswagen Beetle, but it was scrapped, so I said she could move in with me.”

  “That was very generous of you.”

  “You don’t mind, do you, Jill?”

  “It would have been nice to be asked.”

  “She was already living in the boot when you bought the car. We’re planning on getting married soon. You won’t make her leave, will you?”

  “I—err—no, but I’d rather you kept the smooching to a minimum. Preferably, when I’m not in the car.”

  “I’ll do my best, but Henrietta can be quite insatiable.”

  Way too much information.

  “You seem to know a lot about music, Henry. Have you heard of someone called Leroy Dulce?”

  “Of course I have. He’s one of my favourite pop stars. That track of his, Go Love Go, is brilliant.”

  “I thought you were a big jazz fan?”

  “I am, but I still keep up-to-date with current music.”

  “How come everybody has heard of him except me?”

  “You are getting on a bit.”

  “What do you mean, I’m getting on a bit?”

  “I just meant that Leroy Dulce appeals mainly to the younger generation.”

  “I am the younger generation.”

  “O—kay. So, can I have the jazz channel on?”

  “No, you can’t. Let’s listen to the Latest Hits channel, so I can hear some of the current pop stars.”

  Henry was soon singing along to the latest tracks. He seemed to know all of them whereas I hadn’t heard any of them. And, as it turned out, I hadn’t missed much—they were all truly awful. It was almost as bad as listening to jazz.

  “These all sound the same,” I said.

  “That’s a sure sign you’re getting old, Jill.”

  Cheek!

  By the time I reached Washbridge, I was pleased to leave that awful racket behind. If that was a sample of today’s music, they could keep it.

  I’d no sooner walked through the door than Mrs V said, “Guess what?”

  “You have two trillion followers?”

  “Don’t be silly. Armi and I got a dog yesterday.”

  “How come?”

  “After spending that time with Polly the poodle, I began to—”

  “You mean Miranda.”

  “I still say she looked more like a Polly. Anyway, it got me thinking that we should get a dog. Then, when you brought Buddy in, that sealed it. Armi is at home all day, so it’s not like the dog will be lonely. We picked him up yesterday.”

  “Wow, that was quick. What have you got?”

  “A Pekingese called Pepe.”

  “Aren’t they the dogs with no faces?”

  “Don’t be silly. The reason you sometimes can’t see their face is because of all their hair. You’ll have to come and meet him, and bring Buddy along, too.”

  “Err, yeah. I’ll see.” No chance.

  When I walked into my office, a party popper almost hit me on the head. Winky, who was no longer wearing his pirate’s outfit, was dancing around on the sofa with what looked like a bottle of champagne.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Celebrating, of course.”

  “Celebrating what?”

  “My win on the feline lottery.”

  “Pull the other one. It’s got bells on.”

  “It’s true. See.” He held out what appeared to be a cheque from the feline lottery, made out to Winky, for one thousand pounds.

  “This isn’t real.”

  “I think you’ll find it is.”

  “Do I get half?”

  “Are you kidding? I gave you the chance to come in with me, but you turned me down flat.”

  “That’s not how I remember it.”

  “Listen.” He took out his phone and played a recording he’d made of an earlier conversation between the two of us.

  “Are you sure about that? Are you really going to turn down the chance to take part in the feline lottery?”

  “I don’t believe there is such a thing.”

  I sat down at my desk, feeling quite despondent. I couldn’t believe that I’d lost out on a half-share of one thousand pounds. My luck just kept getting worse and worse.

  “Hey, Jill,” Winky said.

  “If you’re going to rub it in, don’t bother.”

  “I wouldn’t do that. I was just going to ask if you’d made any progress in recruiting your new private investigator.”

  “I’m interviewing somebody on Monday. They sound very promising.”

  I’d actually had very few applications for the post, and only one candidate had the right experience. Felix Perkins had, apparently, spent several years in the private investigator arena, so I’d arranged for him to come in for an interview the following Monday. If that went okay and he agreed to join me, that could be the first step in taking my business to the next level.

  Chapter 6

  Just as she’d promised, Melanie, the sweetheart fairy, had called to arrange my meeting with Ursula, the queen of the unicorns. I magicked myself to a secluded spot on the outskirts of Candlefield where I was to meet Melanie. To my surprise, I found her sitting in a horse and cart.

  “Thanks for coming, Jill.”

  “No problem.” I glanced again at the horse because I thought it might be a unicorn, but there was no sign of a horn. “Does the queen live close by?”

  “No, her palace is actually some distance from here, but as I mentioned before, unicorns are very secretive, and prefer that no one knows where they live.”

  “I see. How will we get there?”

  “I was hoping you’d agree to travel in this.”

  “In the horse and cart? Are you serious?”

  “Yes, if you don’t mind.”

  “I—err—guess not.”

  I was just about to climb up and join her on the seat when she said, “I’m sorry to have to ask you this, Jill, but would you mind climbing into the back?”

  “You want me to get in there?”

  “Yes, please. It takes several of us to control the horse.” She tapped on the seat, and another six sweetheart fairies appeared from underneath it, and sat down beside her.

  “I see. Okay.” I scrambled into the back of the cart and took a seat in one corner.

  “There’s just one final thing, Jill,” Melanie said. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to wear this blindfold.”

  Four of the sweetheart fairies held up a strip of cloth.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yes. Sorry, but like I said, the unicorns really value their privacy.”

  “Okay, go on then.”

  The four sweetheart fairies flew over and tied the blindfold
over my eyes.

  “Can you see, Jill?” Melanie said.

  “No. Not a thing.”

  “Great, we’ll get going, then.”

  “Is it far?”

  “Not too far. Just over an hour from here.”

  “An hour?”

  The first twenty minutes of the journey were okay, but then the going got much bumpier. I was being bounced up and down and thrown from side to side, to the point where I was beginning to feel quite nauseous.

  “Are we almost there yet?” I said.

  “Just another few minutes.”

  Eventually, and much to my relief, the cart drew to a halt and the sweetheart fairies removed the blindfold. It took a minute or so for my eyes to adjust to the light, but then I saw that we were outside a multi-coloured palace with turrets shaped like unicorn horns.

  “Do you need a hand to get out of there, Jill?” Melanie offered.

  “No, thanks. I can manage.” I scrambled out of the cart, and dusted myself down.

  “Follow me.” Melanie led the way to the huge double doors, which opened automatically as we approached.

  The magnificent entrance hall was a feast of colours. Waiting for us, just inside the doors, was a grey unicorn.

  “Jill, this is Ronald, the queen’s personal assistant,” Melanie said. “Ronald, this is Jill Maxwell.”

  “I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance, Jill.” Ronald stamped one hoof by way of a greeting.

  “Likewise.”

  “Is it okay if I go now, Ronald?” Melanie said.

  “Yes, that’s fine. Thank you for bringing Jill here.” He waited until Melanie had flown out of the doors, which closed behind her, and then turned to me. “How was your journey?”

  “A little uncomfortable if I’m honest. The ground was very uneven.”

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m sure you understand the need for secrecy.”

  “I guess so.”

  “Queen Ursula is ready to see you. We’ll just need to sort out the horn situation first.”

  “The horn situation?”

  “Didn’t Melanie explain it to you?”

  “No, she never mentioned it.”

  “Queen Ursula never leaves the palace, which means that, apart from the sweetheart fairies, she only ever sees other unicorns. Because of that, she only feels comfortable in the company of those who have a horn on their head.”

  “There isn’t much I can do about that, I’m afraid.”

  “Actually, there is. We have plans for just such a contingency.” He walked over to a gold cabinet and brought out a conical hat. The sort of thing you might wear at a kid’s birthday party.

  “If you could just pop this temporary horn on your head.”

  “That’s a party hat.”

  “No, I assure you these have been specially designed to resemble unicorn horns. It will put the queen at ease.”

  “I—err—okay, then.” I popped the ‘horn’ on my head and slipped the elastic under my chin. I felt a bit stupid, but if that’s what it took to put the queen’s mind at ease, I supposed it would be worth it.

  “Right, let’s go and meet her majesty.” Ronald led the way across the hall to another set of double doors where he stopped and knocked twice.

  A voice from inside shouted, “Come in.”

  Inside the enormous room, the queen, who was wearing a crown over her horn, was seated on a beautiful throne. On seeing us, she stepped down and trotted over to meet me. I was just about to introduce myself when she began to laugh hysterically. I had no idea what was going on.

  When she eventually managed to compose herself, she said, “Ronald, how could you do that to our guest?”

  “I’m sorry, your majesty.” He chuckled. “I just couldn’t help myself. Witches and wizards are all so very gullible.”

  “Hold on a minute.” I grabbed the ‘horn’. “Is this a wind-up?”

  “I’m afraid it is,” the queen said. “Ronald fancies himself as some kind of practical joker.”

  “Does he indeed?” I pulled off the horn-hat and thrust it at Ronald.

  “You must accept my apologies,” the queen said.

  “That’s okay.”

  This wasn’t the first time I’d been made to look a fool like this. I’d been the butt of a similar practical joke when I’d visited King Dollop, the king of the pixies.

  “It’s Jill, isn’t it?” the queen said.

  “That’s right. Jill Maxwell, your majesty.”

  “Forget the, your majesty nonsense, you must call me Ursula. Would you care for some tea?”

  “Is it a special unicorn brew?”

  “Actually, no. It’s Earl Grey, which we import from the human world.”

  “Oh? Okay. Yes, please.”

  “Ronald, go and make us some tea, would you? And bring in the biscuits.”

  “Yes, your majesty.” He turned and left, still chuckling to himself.

  The queen led the way to a huge circular table, around which all the chairs, apart from one, had been designed to accommodate unicorns. I took the other chair, which had clearly been provided for my benefit. The queen sat directly opposite me.

  “It was good of Melanie to make contact with you and bring you here. She’s such a sweetheart.” The queen laughed at her own joke. “Did she explain the problem we’ve been having, Jill?”

  “No, she didn’t.”

  “It’s a nasty business. I’m sorry to say that someone has been stealing our horns.”

  “Isn’t that painful?”

  “Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, it isn’t. Whoever is doing it is removing them while the unicorns are asleep.”

  “That’s terrible. Will they grow back again?”

  “Yes, but it can take several weeks. A similar thing happened about seven years ago, but fortunately that episode was short-lived.”

  “Do you know who was behind the thefts back then?”

  “No. They stopped as suddenly as they had started. No one was ever caught and charged.”

  “Why would anyone want the horns?”

  “Your guess is as good as mine. My brother, Devon, believes they’re being sent to Candlefield.”

  “What makes him think that?”

  “I don’t actually know, but he seems convinced of it. I wanted to bring in a professional some time ago, but he persuaded me to let him carry out his own investigation. But here we are two months later, and he doesn’t seem to be any closer to figuring out what’s going on. That’s why I asked you to come and see me.”

  “Where is your brother?”

  “He’s been conducting the investigation from Candlefield.”

  “How is he managing to do that? I understood that unicorns preferred not to be seen.”

  “That’s true, but our scientists recently developed a potion that can make our horns invisible for up to twenty-four hours at a time. That allows us to pass ourselves off as horses. Devon has been living in Candlefield undercover.”

  “As a horse?”

  “That’s correct.”

  Ronald returned with the tea and biscuits which he placed in the centre of the table.

  “Do help yourself to a biscuit, Jill,” Ursula said.

  Although there were custard creams on the tray, they had been mixed in with the other, inferior biscuits, so I had no option but to decline.

  “I’ll just stick with the tea, thanks.”

  “So, Jill, are you willing to take the case?”

  “Of course. I’ll be happy to help if I can.”

  “Good. I’ll ask Devon to contact you. He can tell you what he has uncovered so far. If anything.”

  “Thanks. It might also be useful if you were to tell me where I can contact him in Candlefield.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  Over tea, we made small talk, but when we’d finished, Ursula suddenly became much more serious.

  “Before you leave, Jill, I think it’s important
you understand the gravity of the situation. I’m going to ask two of my ladies-in-waiting to come through, so you can see for yourself the damage that is being done.”

  “Okay.”

  She rang a bell, and moments later, the door behind her opened, and in clomped two unicorns: a yellow one and a pink one. The very first thing I noticed was that they were both missing their horns.

  “Lydia, Bella,” the queen addressed them. “Come a little closer so that Jill can see you.”

  They were both clearly embarrassed to be seen without their horns.

  “This is Jill Maxwell. She’s going to try to get to the bottom of who’s been doing this dreadful thing. Lydia, would you tell Jill what happened to you, please?”

  “I was staying at my parents’ house. When I woke up that morning, something just didn’t feel right, and when I realised my horn was gone, I was devastated.”

  “And you didn’t feel anything during the night?”

  “Nothing. I’d had a nightmare, but that’s not all that unusual.”

  “So, there was no pain?”

  “None. Not then or since, but you can see how horrible it looks. I’d prefer to stay at home until it’s grown back, but it takes such a long time that’s simply not practical.”

  “What about you Bella?” Ursula said.

  “My story is much the same as Lydia’s. I woke up one morning and found my horn had been stolen. Whoever did it must have been very quiet because I’m a light sleeper. I can’t believe someone would do such a terrible thing. I hope you find out who’s behind it.”

  “Thank you, ladies,” Ursula said. “You may go now.” She waited until they were out of the room and then turned to me. “Do you see what I mean, Jill? It’s such an awful thing to happen to a unicorn because their horn is part of their identity.”

  “I could see how upset they were. Don’t worry. I’ll do my best to find out who’s behind this and put a stop to it.”

  “Thank you. That’s very reassuring.”

  “Before I go, Ursula, can I ask, do all the unicorns live in this palace?”

  “Goodness, no.” She laughed. “The palace is very large, but it’s not nearly big enough to accommodate all the unicorns. Behind this palace is U-City. That’s what everyone calls Unicorn City. Come on. I’ll show you.” She led the way out of the throne room to an oversize lift.